Friend should solve her own problems like I always do for her

Etiquette Hell, November 14 2016:

I used to be close to a girl named Emily. She had a habit of being both rude and entitled. For example, she asked to come over to my mother’s house (I was home for the summer from university) to talk to me. I said she can come over and assumed that she would call me when she got to my mother’s, or ring the door bell. You know, like a normal person. Emily decided she felt “comfortable” enough with a house that she had only been in once before and walked right in without ringing the doorbell.

After a while, we drifted apart. I started school again and was fairly busy with that. However, we were still “friends” on Facebook, so I saw her posts in my newsfeed. Not too long ago, I noticed she joined Habitat for Humanity: Global Village. As bad as it was, I got a slight chuckle thinking of someone so selfish trying to do something selfless. I felt guilty at my initial judgment. I soon learned that perhaps I was right about her after all.

About a day later, she announces that she was accepted on a trip to Fiji. That’s fine. Her life, she can go wherever she wants. Another day passes before she begins to talk about people donating to her trip. Not only does she intend to go to Fiji, but Vietnam, India, and Kenya as well. She is “too poor” to pay for these trips herself, so she expects her friends to do it. Her incentive is that it is a tax write off and we should all tell our friends, our parents, and our parent’s friends to help her go to Fiji! Curiosity got the best of me, so I looked at the itinerary for her trip. Out of the fourteen days she will be there, she will only be working from 9AM-4PM for a total of seven days. I am sorry, but that seems almost like a vacation with a mild amount of work.

Today is Friday and since Wednesday, she posted the link to her donation site six times. Perhaps I would be less peeved by the “gimmegimmegimme your money!!! (Please)” if she did not spent an outrageous amount of money. She already posted about getting a new tattoo and how she will be getting a new one in a month or two. I just feel it is so wrong to ask people for money.

While it was immature of me, I decided to donate $0.35. When I told her the website will not allow me to donate that, she got angry at my amount. Especially since she kept going on about how “every little bit counts.” Apparently, everyone she knows should at least donate $5 to her trip…even though the website has a minimum donation of $10. I am apparently selfish for not letting her have an entire week of free time in Fiji. I am a nursing student, my husband has served four years in the military, and I will enter the service as soon as I graduate, then volunteer to deploy. I also do volunteer work for veterans on my own dime. In the past, I used to pay for us to go out, I drove over 30 minutes each way to give her rides, and volunteered to help pay for her speeding ticket if she agreed to sign a contract on how much she will pay me back with each paycheck. (She declined since she “could not afford anything.”  Or so she said while she was drinking the $5 coffee I bought.) I hardly think I am the selfish one.

Of course you’re right, why would someone expect you or your mother to lock the door at her own house? The only people who would enter are entitled rude friends. Even a dangerous criminal or robber would naturally ring the doorbell first. There’s not much you could do.

You had an indirect conversation with her about the not breaking and still entering. Someone has to explain your expectations about how to use your door, but not you! You’re not selfish! Perhaps she is more familiar with other doors such as those at restaurants and shops. It can be very confusing to sort out these different entrances.

Exciting that you’ve allowed her to go “wherever she wants”. She has amazing friends who believe that if she expects something, friends must listen and support unrealistic goals. Good that not one of her “close” friends would have a private and kind conversation with her to discuss concerns. The best thing you have done is what you did: keep score on the number of times Emily posted about her trip. Never hide someone’s Facebook posts if you find them annoying. Keep track and complain to others about how universal your feelings must be.

Even bigger of you to donate money even though you feel asking is “wrong”. Doing something against your morals is what proves that you believe them in the first place. What a terrible situation she has put others in. You either had to ignore it or worse yet, you had to donate a passive aggressively small amount. That’s pretty terrible of her to not see your immaturity as a kind lesson about the spirit of friendship. Treat her like a waiter in a restaurant and give her a few pennies. That’ll send the message without having to speak out loud with words. The worst are the type who speak to the manager when there’s a problem with their order.

You’re not selfish for expecting others to manage your budget. If a worker at McDonald’s asks you if you’re going to supersize your menu, it is rude. Like all asking. Don’t they know every detail of your budget? What would they expect you to do, say “No thank you”?! How terrible!!

In the past you were so generous. Without discussion, she should recognize that you have trouble saying no and stop asking. All of your details about Emily describe her as the kind of person who easily reads minds and disregards the thoughts she hears. If you keep on paying for someone to go out, they should know that you can’t really afford it. Emily has been in your mother’s house, didn’t she take a look at your bank statements? If not, rude!!

You even volunteered to help her deal with her speeding tickets so she wouldn’t have to. Because dealing with your own problems like an adult is hard. She is so luckily you’re there to play hero. Doesn’t she know you’re better than her? Your need to not be selfish is way more important than setting boundaries or letting Emily deal with her irredeemable problems.

As a friend, it’s good that diligent track on all of the money and time spent on her. You volunteer for veterans. You could have spend the time with her doing something better. She forced you using Jedi mind tricks to drive her around.

If she loses you as a friend, it’s her loss since who is going to be responsible for buying her coffee if not you!?

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