[Trigger warning: BED behaviors]
For most of my adult life, socializing has very often, if not almost always, included drinking. Drinking has become such a normalized part of our culture, I rarely thought about the role it played in my life or, more specifically, my eating disorder. I certainly remember the time my mom asked me if I was drinking enough milk and I replied, “I don’t drink anything with calories” while holding a beer in my hand. That was OK though because I was working out all the time. And every athletic person I knew also loved craft beer. Every 5k I did ended at a beer tent. Michelob Ultra sponsored every fitness event.
I also remember on Friday nights thinking about how if I went out and got drunk, I could order pizza when I got home. I also remember the relief I felt if I happened to throw up all those calories later. As I got older, those kinds of nights got fewer, thankfully. But alcohol remained the only caloric beverage I felt was OK to consume. I cannot rationalize this thinking except to say that not drinking is more stigmatized than drinking is. Food is also a typical part of socializing, but it’s viewed entirely differently. Eating too much is gross but drinking too much is funny. We may step back and recognize that this is absurd thinking, but it is also embedded in American culture.
While typically drinking was part of my social life, aka my life outside the home, I noticed my drinking increase during the pandemic. Of course, this behavior was reinforced by the constant hilarious messaging about how in lock down you can start drinking at 2! or whatever. But I also have recognized how I was using it to cope with boredom and loneliness. I couldn’t go out and drink with my friends, so I could try to distract myself with wine at home instead. Like emotional eating, drinking is a form of sedation, and I can see now how I used both behaviors interchangeably.
The Eating Disorder Recovery Center describes the relationship between EDs and alcoholism in the following way:
On the surface, eating disorders and alcohol abuse may appear to be two entirely different conditions. However, the two illnesses have similarities that help to explain why they tend to occur together.
First of all, the root of addiction and of eating disorders is that these behaviors function as an escape from underlying stress, anxiety, sadness, fear or trauma. Drug and alcohol use and eating disorder behaviors (restriction, bingeing, purging or over-exercise) are all coping mechanisms that help to provide immediate relief from pain and anxiety. These behaviors affect the brain in the same areas and have a mood-altering effect.
In addition, although high in calories, alcohol can be used by some to trigger regurgitation and dehydration, challenging eating disorder recovery.
I do not consider myself dependent on alcohol, but the past weeks in treatment have brought to light the ways in which I have used alcohol to scaffold my ED. I haven’t been drinking much since starting the IOP: first of all, because it’s discouraged (of course); second of all, because I don’t have much time; and third of all, because I simply haven’t wanted to. I have been focused on taking care of myself and practicing habits that prevent bingeing. I have also been taking more time to sit in my feelings, as uncomfortable as they can be. Doing so is a huge part of addressing my ED and hopefully recovering from it.
I’m noticing more and more how good it feels to take care of myself — to fuel myself during the day and wake up with energy the next — but, I fear not being able to maintain recovery after IOP is over, without the structure and support of the program. I hope that reflecting on my past and my habits and comparing them to all the benefits of recovery (and writing all that down) will help me sustain my progress as time goes on.
