Not too long ago, a newer friend called me a “foodie”. And while I didn’t share it, I felt offended. In fact, even months later, I would think about that moment and nearly shudder. It was embarrassing to me that anyone would notice how or what I eat. Never mind the fact that I often post pictures of food on instagram — those are to show a special, perfect meal, or an indulgent moment — I still didn’t want people to associate me with food. I realize that is dumb. But, alas, EDs make you feel dumb things.
I do like food, though. Actually, I love it. And while I don’t think that’s abnormal or bad (we need food to live, food tastes good, etc, etc), being obsessed with food is problematic. And that’s what I have been for so many years — obsessed with food. Obsessed with eating it and obsessed with restricting it. And obsessed with eating it because I was restricting it. That’s another thing I’ve noticed while in recovery and feeding myself regularly and sufficiently — I have been putting food on such a high pedestal. Being a “foodie” was more a result of my limiting food than it was about embracing it. When I ate, I wanted it to be special and perfect every time; otherwise, it felt like a waste.
Have you ever gone out to dinner and didn’t really enjoy your meal? Did you then think about it for hours, sometimes days afterwards? What a waste that was? Not considering the time you may have spent with your friends at a nice restaurant or just simply out of the house, but rather that you ingested “pointless” calories and now you feel guilt and regret? Have you thrown away food because it wasn’t spectacular and therefore not worth eating? I hope not, but if so, I can relate.
This valuation of food was a direct result of dieting, or, more specifically, being on WW, where literally every food has a point value. The more points, the more valuable, and yet also “worse” for you. I learned to hoard points like precious stones so that I could spend them on something expensive and indulgent. And if that extra special, coveted thing did not turn out to be perfect? Well, then I had just wasted it all. I learned that food was a precious commodity, so of course it attained an extremely important place in my life.
That said, I think it’s important to not minimize the value of food, either. For many people, food is hard to access or afford, and it is a necessity for us all. It allows our bodies to function. I’m actually finding that viewing it this way helps me remove some of its allure and instead appreciate its utility. To look at a meal and see its true nutritional value (like scientifically, not like how an influencer decides something is a “super food”) has been a really refreshing way to consider the real value of what I’m eating. It’s not something I’ve earned, it’s something I need.
