Let it be known to all that I actually insisted on giving a speech at a dinner to celebrate that *I* am alive and I know that’s a little conceited so let’s make it full circle by actually trying to type it down
First, some notes:
- No one recorded this speech so I typed it down as I remember delivering it
- There are bullet points haphazardly written down on my journal but I don’t think I really followed it
- This isn’t the most eloquent “speech” ever and I remember going around in circles and missing out on parts from my outline
- I feel the need to type it down so I can be reminded of all the feelings I had the moment I delivered it, which were overwhelming joy and gratitude
- I’m just so overwhelmed with gratitude and this speech is basically just me saying thank you in a million ways and blabbing to my family and a few friends
- Okay ang dami ko na namang sinabi bye. Let’s get this over with in 3… 2… 1…
Not quite sure if I should make this funny, or serious, or slightly morbid. Like, do I make jokes like… “Guys may sasabay pa ba sakin pag ako nagdrive?” or do I just go full on serious? So I guess I’ll just go with authentic, honest, raw, and true. And for those who know me well, you know that everything that enters my mind is always articulated, and I hope I can articulate it well today.
I’m not gonna lie; as a family, we’ve always had the weirdest problems — the types that are always so hard to explain to friends because they require so much context and backstory. But I guess alongside that, we have also, as a family, been blessed without limits. There is a literal unending list of things that we have been blessed with, limitless reasons to be grateful. And it’s funny because in the past two weeks (It hasn’t even been two weeks, it’s much shorter), that never-ending list came full circle; it became more concrete and palpable.
“Thank God” stopped becoming a random, meaningless expression that you say at the end of the day when you beat a deadline, or get through traffic, or whatever random thing it is during the day that you’re relieved about. “Thank God” suddenly became weighed down with the brunt of gratitude, like, it’s no longer just an expression. And to be honest, that’s a little disorienting because usually when you want to express your gratitude to someone, you want to be able to… do something and act on it. How do you thank God in this concrete way? Do I… awkwardly shake his hand, give him a pat in the back… and say… “hey, God, thanks.” For the first time in my life I just want to go to God, locate a God, find him and embrace him and actually really say, thank you and just kind of, stay in a long embrace of gratitude?
The second thing I’m not quite sure about, is in what order I should be grateful. So I guess I’ll start with the concrete things: like having another Capulong on the way… that ate Kate is home and my family is complete, and many other things we can be thankful for.
I guess the next thing I’m thankful for, that’s as conceited as it is morbid, is that… I’m thankful to be alive. As in, I mean it. I’m just happy to be alive. And the next conceited thing about it is that I am thankful that there are people who are happy that I am alive. I mean, some people just go and perish without people really noticing… but in the past two weeks I’ve heard so many friends and family honestly, genuinely tell me “I’m happy you’re alive.”
And it takes on a different context after an accident like that. It’s not just some expression. The literal opposite of “I’m happy you’re alive” is “I’m sad that you’re dead.” And if that’s not something I should be grateful for, then I don’t know what else can make me feel grateful.
I’m not gonna go into the details of the accident, but really, all the angels of God were on my side that night. It’s like they knew that this stupid child of His would be a little extra with her katangahan that night and so he sent all his angels to protect her. And is that not a thing that I should be thankful for? That for a moment, I was the center of attention of all the angels of God. Because really. The repercussions to my health, to my body of what happened, are far from the worst of what it could have been. I was driving at what, 80kph? 90kph? While sleepy? You don’t just crash into a wall at full speed and make it out unscathed (well, fine, almost) like I did.
I think since August 13, and from today, whenever I feel like there isn’t enough reason to be happy or grateful or joyful — “I’m so glad I’m not dead” is enough reason. And I guess I’ve been… blessed… to say… that “wow. Holy Shit. I can say it from experience that I’m just glad I’m not dead.” And really, just the fact that two weeks ago, that was something that was a remote possibility is something so… hard for me to grasp.
The first two days after the accident, I was traumatized as expected. I was crying for literally 2 full days. Disappointed. Overwhelmed. Trauma is the word that fully captures and summarizes it. But in hindsight now, I think the thing that scared me the most and that I couldn’t bring myself to articulate was the fact that I had an encounter with death. It was. An encounter. With death. And usually I have explanations and words and things to say about all my experiences. But an encounter with death is something that just… I don’t know. It’s just absolutely frightening and traumatizing. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a whirlwind of gratitude in the last two weeks but it will also take a while to really recover from the trauma of this encounter. Like honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to drive for a while. And just earlier I had to close my eyes when we passed that area of C5 extension where it happened. But I’ll be okay.
The next thing I’m thankful for, is all the love I’ve received from everyone in the past two weeks. Everyday, in the hospital, at night, I tell myself — “Oh My God I think I have enough love today to last me a lifetime.” From friends who have visited, from my family, from everyone who has expressed their love. Then the next day comes and it happens again and I realize and say “Oh okay I guess today I receive more love to last me another lifetime.” And for two weeks, everyday was an outpouring of love. Lifetimes and lifetimes of love.
I used to think that I had a limited capacity to receive love. That maybe there’s an actual limit and size and shape to the amount of love I can receive. But apparently when you receive love, your heart just expands and expands and expands and it just overflows to keep accommodating the love. And it continues to expand with every day that passes.
And everyone here, you’re all part of the reason I can honestly say that I am so happy in spite of all the health stuff and all the problems that this has caused. I told my friends the day after the accident that I’d give myself only three days of sulking and I’d pick myself back up. And in all fairness, I’m on track with my timelines. I’m really really happy. Like, legitimately, genuinely happy. Because of all the love I received in the past two weeks. And it’s a little crazy because two weeks isn’t a long period of time at all — so the love has been quite abundant and overwhelming and I don’t think I’ve ever felt love at this scale before, all contained in a two-week period.
I guess the last and most important part of this… thank you speech thing or whatever, is a thank you to my parents. This is really, really, really, really so awkward for me now but it has to be said.
The first few days after the accident, all I needed was a drop of understanding, of patience. I was scared and disappointed in myself and afraid of having to face the consequences of what happened. But when all I needed was a drop, my parents were a limitless ocean of selflessness, of understanding, of patience, of love. Doing everything they can, doing more than they can to help me through this. And I know that I haven’t had the most perfect relationship with them, and we don’t always see eye to eye; but in the past two weeks I can say that they’re really the best parents anyone could ask for in a situation like this. And again all I needed was a drop of understanding; but they have been an ocean of love and I am so thankful.
I guess, to end, I just want to Thank God for this second chance; thank God for bringing all my friends and family here today…
There are many people I will call when I want to have fun or when I want to have a good time, but there are very few people whom I will call in a crisis, when I’m lost, when I’m vulnerable, and I guess for that, I’m thankful.

