I have lived with depression since adolescence, and with the suicidal ideation that comes along with it.
I finally got meds that have stabilized my condition after years of self-education. The meds also greatly reduced the incidents of blinding rage, constant irritation with others, and anxiety. I still shun public gatherings, and I have to rehearse going to buy groceries.
I have have bi-polar condition with major depressive episodes. I do experience short periods of mania lasting only a couple of months when they occur.
In a depressive state of mind everything appears as an obstacle, whereas in a manic state nothing appears as an obstacle.
During one session with my therapist he asked me if I had ever experienced joy. I had to think for a while because the question surprised me. I had never been asked the question, and it had never occurred to me ask it. I took a while the think about the experiences I have had in my life. The answer surprised me because I had to say, “No. I can never identify a time when I have felt joy.”
I wonder what joy must feel like.