Silence Does NOT Equal Consent

Silence does NOT equal consent. Many people interpret it as such, but that doesn’t make their interpretation real or valid or right.

Why do people sometimes keep silent on issues important to them?

Silence often means fear. People often don’t speak up about outrageous or controversial things because they’re afraid of the consequences of such outspokenness.

Their fears are valid and grounded in reality. People can lose jobs or limit their career advancement; they can lose their children or visitation rights; they can suffer a blow to their reputation; they risk intense conflict in the moment and ongoingly, and sometimes they risk that conflict escalating to violence.

Many times and places through history, freely spoken dissent could and would often result in harm to the speaker.

That is why in this country, one of our supposedly highest ideals is that of free speech. Free speech is protected in the very first amendment and was considered by our country’s founders to be just as sacred as protecting the freedom of religion and the right to dissent.

However, people also have a right to determine if they choose to exercise that freedom. Because in today’s political and social climate, that freedom is not always protected or respected.

Is “free” speech really free?

Some people have more to risk than others.

Some have determined that their voice and opinion are more important than the potential consequences.

Everyone ought to have the right to make that risk assessment for themselves. Just like when considering whether or not to have sex, these are personal decisions that, when made by responsible people, mean taking into account the risk factors.

When someone decides to have sex with a stranger (i.e. a consensual one night stand), they can mitigate some of the risk of getting an STD from someone they don’t know by using a condom with that person.

But someone else might decide NOT to proceed in that encounter, no matter how hot and exciting, because even with a condom, they’ve decided the risk is greater than they are comfortable with.

Shame is a manipulation tool often used by both sides of an issue

So why do we shame people for not speaking out about social justice issues? Many activists and others are accusing their friends and family of supporting the wrong side if they aren’t speaking out.

There’s a meme or two going around that proclaim, “Silence equals consent!” This is a way of shaming those who choose to stay silent on controversial issues for whatever reason.

But I wonder if those same people who are passing along that meme would also support that stance in terms of sexual assault and rape? That’s what the “rape culture” stance has been. No means no, but if she doesn’t say it, then she must want it, right? It’s not rape if she doesn’t say no.

But that mindset is being challenged and overturned every day — because in those situations, it is becoming more widely understood that silence does NOT in fact equal consent.

More reasons some stay silent in debates

Many of the controversial issues facing us today are multifaceted and complex. There are many variables and different understandings of the concepts and terminology involved.

A lot of people don’t even truly understand the problems, and therefore may not feel comfortable getting involved in debates with unformed opinions.

Others do have a sense of where they stand on an issue but don’t have a prepared argument with which to enter the debate.

For many, their debate or conversational styles don’t match the dominant style and so they may feel unable to adequately participate or they may even feel completely unheard or disregarded.

Some people are in life situations that require all their time and energy and they don’t have much left over to worry about the controversial social issues.

Others are not as able to emotionally self-regulate and self-soothe under stress, and therefore may find heated debates too much to handle.

None of these are offered up as excuses; rather, they are examples of some legitimate reasons people may have for NOT speaking up, for maintaining their silence. It can also be incredibly hard to be a lone voice of dissent.

Groupthink can be dangerous and disempowering

In general, people in like-minded groups tend to ignore, devalue, and shame those who don’t think like the group, so that they are disempowered to voice their opinion. Groups will often try to convince its members that if each individual doesn’t think like the majority, then there is something wrong with them.

So let’s look at how we are each contributing to the problems we’re screaming about and shaming our friends and family for not screaming about.

How are we continuing to contribute to a culture of rape and violence and privilege when we are violent (in words and thoughts, if not physically) to those who don’t agree with us? How are we contributing to a culture based on respect and equality when we suggest that if you’re not vocally “with us” then you’re against us?

How can we begin to shift our rhetoric to speak out about the injustices of our society without becoming that which we hate? I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this, with respect, of course.

Inara de Luna is a sex and relationship expert, a consent activist, and a professional writer and editor in these fields. She founded the Sex Positive Loving Facebook page and the Council for Consensual Intimacy Facebook page. Feel free to Like both of those pages for more information on those topics and to join the national conversation about sex positivity and consent culture.