Woman Confesses She Still Reads Books

Seated in a crowded waiting area at Bradley Airport, surrounded by people with smart phones, ipads, laptops and kindles, Doreen Falcetta, a 45 year old woman from Manchester, Connecticut, slipped out a book from her bag and preceded to read it. Her distressed children immediately left their chairs and went to look for seats farther away. They could not, however, do this once they were all on the plane. Despite the fact Falcetta once more pulled out a book as the plane was taxi-ing down the runway for take-off, her three children were forced to sit beside her for the entire flight as the plane was fully booked.

With this incident Falcetta knew she had a problem. “I had to get help,” she confided. “I couldn’t keep doing this to my children.”

Doreen Falcetta is one of a select group of middle aged adults who choose to read from a book despite the fact they own kindles, smart phones and other techie hardware. “I can’t help it,” Falcetta testified. “I’ve been reading books ever since I was a child. It’s very addictive, the feel of a page as it touches the skin of your fingers. It gets into your blood and it’s so difficult to kick the habit. I just can’t seem to do it.”

Even after the airport incident Falcetta still did nothing about her addiction. It was only after her husband, Karl Falcetta , a sales rep for Exy Products, finally alerted authorities to her odd behavior that she consented to get help.

“It was getting pretty bad,” Karl Falcetta stated. “I’d find books all over the house. I’ve seen her read them in our bed. I know she’s reading them in the bathroom and I suspect she’s got a few hidden in the kitchen to read while making dinner. She gets home from work before me and just can’t control herself. I don’t know what this is all doing to the kids.”

Falcetta has confessed to authorities not only does she read books, but also newspapers. “Gross,” her 13 year old son, Taylor, commented for this article. “We, like, use newspapers to line the hamster cage. But read them?” He couldn’t bring himself to say much more.

Falcetta has further confessed she watches a daily program for news on TV. This despite repeated efforts by her husband and children to get her to switch to the internet goddamit. “I try not to watch the news on TV when the family is around. But sometimes it’s so hard. Everyone is just hanging around the family room with their kindles and cellphones, and I feel so guilty turning on the TV. But I just can’t help myself.”

Falcetta and others like her know this is a long-term problem. She is in her 40s and is likely to continue living and reading books for several decades to come. The problem will not be eradicated until she and her generation die out. Until then her children and their peers will be subjected to humiliation at their mother’s weakness for years to come.

A GoFundMe site has been established for Falcetta and her family to facilitate her book addiction counseling. So far the counseling has not delivered. Karl Falcetta confirms just last week Doreen asked for more book shelves for their home.

“I’m so glad this book thing is now out in the open and we’re talking about it,” Doreen Falcetta acknowledged. “It’s been a bitch hiding all those books under the bed.”