FBI’s Top Negotiators Share Their #1 Trick to Instantly Win Any Argument

To get a promotion, sell a product, or simply insist on your preferred vacation spot, try the active listening technique. Former FBI agents who negotiated with hostage takers explain how it works.

Active listening is a skill requiring you to fully focus on the speaker’s words: understand their statements, react to them, and remember them.

Chris Voss, former FBI negotiator and author of “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It” (named by Inc. as one of the seven best books on negotiation), wrote: “When you’re putting forth arguments, your counterpart is silent only because they are thinking of their own arguments, and there’s a voice talking in their head. They’re not listening to you. When they’re putting forth arguments, you’re thinking of your response and listening to your own voice.”

The FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit developed the Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM). It has five stages: active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change.

• Active listening: focus on what the other person is saying to show you’re engaged.
• Empathy: demonstrate you understand their motives and state of mind.
• Rapport: empathy is your feeling; rapport is when they notice your caring and begin trusting you.
• Influence: with trust, you can start addressing the issue and suggest a plan.
• Behavioral change: the person acts (possibly comes out with hands up).

Gary Noesner, former FBI Critical Incident Response Group chief negotiator and author of “Stalling for Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator,” described active listening: “During interactions with the subject, negotiators must demonstrate they are closely listening and focused on the subject’s words. This can be conveyed through body language or brief verbal responses that indicate interest and concern. Responses should not be lengthy. By providing random, short, timely reactions, the negotiators show they are tuned in to the subject’s speech. Even relatively simple phrases like ‘yeah,’ ‘okay,’ or ‘I understand’ effectively convey that the negotiator is fully attentive. These responses will encourage the subject to continue speaking and gradually provide the negotiator with more control.”

Active listening is hard for many. People often skip this step and start talking. To get what you want, pay attention to the other’s words first. Don’t interrupt, agree, or judge — just listen.

Another quote from Voss’ book: “Making your sole objective listening instead of putting forth arguments is the only way to quiet the voice in your counterpart’s head. But most people don’t do that. They don’t go into a negotiation wanting to hear what the other guy has to say. They go into a negotiation wanting to argue. They’re not focused on the emotions, and they’re not listening.”

To take negotiations up a level, you must conduct them “in the other person’s world,” Voss argues.

“Persuasion has nothing to do with impressing people. It’s about convincing the other guy that the solution favorable to you is his own idea. So don’t try to persuade your counterpart with logic or forcefulness. Ask questions that lead him to the outcome you want,” he writes.

Master negotiators carefully observe speech. “Even a change of one word — saying ‘not lose’ instead of ‘preserve’ can sway a choice the other person makes,” notes Voss.

If you want to master convincing others of your viewpoint, build your listening skills — it’s the best thing you can do. Negotiation is a discovery process. Share as much information as possible. Ask interested questions and guide the discussion where you want it to go.