Why You Are Not Happy

and what you can do about it

I’m an online junkie. I spend way too much of my time reading other people’s thoughts on the world. Interspersed with the cat pictures, the food pictures, the depressing news from around the world and the “how to game the internet” posts there seems to be a funk present.

Not the James Brown kinda funk, the low cloud that hangs around for days and just makes everything seem Meh.

I was diagnosed as being manic-depressive/bi-polar or whatever they are calling it these days more than 20 years ago. Slap some PTSD on top of that and you have someone who finds happiness an elusive thought let alone an actual experience.

That is, until recently, you see I have this amazing woman in my life who actually took the time to read some books, watch my moods and provide me with a feedback mechanism to help me increase my self awareness.

I’ve always been pretty self aware but my new relationship has taken that to new levels. This has led me to discover what happiness means to me.

I can’t tell you what happiness is for you, I’m not you. What I can tell you is all the wrong places I’ve looked for it and not found it, and judging by what I read, many other people are looking for it in those places too.

Happiness isn’t found with other people. Of course my current relationship — which I fully intend to be my last romantic relationship (in that I mean to spend the rest of my life with this one person) makes me happy, but relying on another person for your happiness is not the same as deriving happiness from a relationship.

Happiness in a relationship comes as much from, if not more than, providing the other person with happiness as it does from them making you happy. So don’t look to other people to make you happy, instead look for ways to make them happy and let that bring you happiness.

Things won’t make you happy. Human beings, at some point in their evolution, unleashed what I call the “Magpie gene”. We became acquisitive. Objects gained intrinsic value beyond the value of the object itself. We started to count a persons worth, including our own, by the number of objects we could collect. In fact, so ingrained in our psyche is this habit that it lies at the core of 21st century marketing, otherwise known as “Gamification”. All those points, badges, status upgrades etc that your favorite smart phone app gets you to collect, thats the magpie in you.

But these things, whatever they are, aren’t a source of happiness. Sure they might provide a smile, even a sense of joy, but it is fleeting. Have you noticed the trend of people collecting “vintage” toys? Everything thing from G.I. Joe to Hot Wheels and beyond is suddenly “cool” again. Why is that? Are people suddenly yearning to be on the Antiques Roadshow with their amazing collection? No, my guess is that they are trying to recapture that simple moment of happiness when they first received that toy as a child. The problem is that they are no longer children. When you were given a hot wheels car as a child you didn’t have to worry about pulling another long shift at work, car payments, house payments or rent, credit card bills, medical bills and all the other things that beset us as adults.

You were free to relish in the simple enjoyment of pretneding to be a race car driver or hot rod owner or whatever fantasy you enjoyed. So as an adult you have attached happiness to an object, now you want that happiness to return so you buy the object again or acquire the adult equivalent — you buy a sports car, a motorcycle, a boat, a bigger house, the latest gadget or clothing line.

You aren’t happy though are you? Not really, not sitting there on your couch that cost you $1000's, playing a console game at 3am with that other guy who lives across the country.

Happiness doesn’t come from without, it comes from within. Depression teaches you that. That darkness that depressives talk about, it’s on the inside, and what chases away that darkness is the light of happiness. Happiness, like sadness is a state of mind. Like sadness it has external triggers and internal triggers.

Am I suggesting you can simply decide to be happy? No. I wish that were the truth, but it isn’t. What you can decide to do is become more self aware and find out what your happiness triggers are. Capture those moments when something inside you flips the switch and you feel real joy. Note those moments, write them down if it helps, but be aware of them. Then, when you have noticed a few different triggers, try to repeat them.

Don’t confuse the external with the internal. Of course getting a raise at work, going on a date with a special person, winning an auction on eBay for that limited edition whatchamacallit makes you feel happy but learn to recognize the difference between induced happiness and happiness as an internal state.

Once you have realized what truly makes you happy, learn to embrace it.

Be Happy!