Ladies, we’ve all been there. You’re grocery shopping. You’re at the gym. You’re carrying out a rescue mission off the coast of Madagascar. Think of any situation, and you can bet your bottom dollar that a guy is going to approach you and attempt to engage in a dialogue without first seeing if you even want it to happen at all.
It’s the reason we all love Sephora so much, right? It’s a place no man will ever dare follow us into. Same goes for nail salons, theaters specializing in foreign film, and the Carole King musical. The kitchen also used to be on the safe zone list, but then all the men figured out that that’s where the beer is! Ugh! Who was the first woman who let her husband go get his own beer? She totally ruined it for the generations to come.
But, no worries. All God’s creatures have a place in the choir, right? We can’t blame other women for our problems when we haven’t even set up the necessary precautions. Which brings us to this: a handy guide that will give you a ton of super cute fun ways to make sure you can avoid the dreaded unwanted conversation.
1. Read a Book
I know, I know: reading in public? Seems risky. But don’t worry: it’s safe to let men know you can read now. They probably talk to women who can read all day and don’t even know it. Plus, nothing says “Don’t talk to me” like a book. You’re essentially communicating to everyone around you that you hate your surroundings so much, you would rather spend your waking moments balls-deep in another world entirely.
However, make sure the book is one that would be of complete disinterest to men, or they will attempt to talk about it with you. A frilly pink cover with a photo of a stiletto or glass of champagne should do the trick. Even better if the title has the word “confessions” or “ diary” in it.
2. Wear sunglasses
Sunglasses are a pretty solid way to get guys to leave you alone. You might think this is because eye contact isn’t possible and thus, much like Medusa, the monster loses its power. But this is not the case. Even without eye contact, a full grown male specimen will find a way to approach and attack: from behind, the side, or dropping down from a tree.
The real reason sunglasses are so effective is because they hide the whites of your eyes. DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR EYES. Eyes are the window to the soul, and it’ll take more than a few pitchers of sangria before he can stick his dick in that.
3. Roll around in a hamster ball
Alibaba has a wonderful selection.
4. Bring up your father immediately
Beat his Oedipus complex to the punch. Dive straight into those daddy issues like it’s a 12 month subscription to Sports Illustrated.
5. Don’t go outside
Unfortunately, wanting to partake in outdoor activities in the first place is the big issue here. The park is no place for a woman in pants. Cosmo covered this last week, but pants are the universal sign for “please come talk to me I want to hear all about your data driven startup.”
Plus, what’s wrong with padlocking yourself in your room and finally using the loom you ordered through an ad you saw on Pinterest? As the old saying goes: “Happy are the loins that toil upon the loom.” Plus you can knit all kinds of cute cozies for your anal plugs.
6. Bake a delicious summer fruit pie
You might be thinking “What? Won’t that just bring them running towards me like a hippo in the Serengeti?” Well, unfortunately, you’re right. But, here’s the thing: you’ll have about a ten minute window while he forces the whole steaming mess into his gaping maw, allowing you escape out the window.
7. Go back in time and kill your parents before they meet
The only sure fire way to keep guys from talking to you is to never be born.
