Abusive Relationships

Well John,

That happened sooner than expected. I have just broken up from my first abusive relationship. How cathartic. I cried for about 30 seconds afterwards, now giggling with A while she sews and I do my knitting.

This is what standing up for yourself feels like. It feels like saying, ‘Get the fuck out of my house’. This is what boundaries feel like. It feels seeing another’s bullshit for what it is and not buying it. This is what self respect feels like. It feels like saying, ‘Nobody talks to me like that’. This is what confidence feels like. It feels just, so, easy.

I feel quite embarrassed about the situation and I wish I didn’t. Apparently intelligent, bold, beautiful and charismatic woman can be manipulated and taken advatage of. And I knew it was abusive. And I told people. And I continued because I needed to understand what the impulse was that drove me there in the first place (when things were good) and kept me there. My faith paid off in a way, I woke at 3am half asleep and transformed into a lioness who was going to eat his face off if I didn’t kick him out. At least I didn’t have to fight the impulse to be with him. Awareness and sincere introspective enquiry was enough. With patience. Something flicked. Impulses changed, I learnt what I needed to and now he is gone.

In my 31 years I never really identified as a girl or a woman. I do now. I found my boundaries and within those I found my femininity. Black boots and all.

Thanking you kindly for your support. Silent and vague support. It really is the best kind for me.

Indigo

P.S. Can you please start locking the front door? Just until I feel emotionally secure again. Or, more specifically, until my need for emotional security no longer out weighs my need for freedom, which apparently involes not locking the house.

P.P.S. The Star Trek Poster has to go. I can’t do this any more.