7.27.17
Okay, so here it is.
A week before I started a new life at my dream job, I completed trauma therapy. A grueling, weeks long, therapy session to understand the root ways trauma would be a part of my life, how I could work to limit the reaches of its influence, and when it did reach me, as I can naturally expect it to throughout the course of this life, I am aware and ready.
In theory, this is great stuff. I used to cheerfully chirp to my trauma therapist, “this is just like adding little tools to my kit,” about coping mechanisms and actually really importantly, forgiveness.
A quick note on forgiveness in trauma, it’s essential. To not get frustrated with yourself when you experience reactions that are frankly, just out of your control. Man I used to get pissed. That after finding happiness in the world a smell, a sight, a stark white Chevy Astro parked on the street, could fling me back to a time where I felt sheer terror. It is terrifying, that you can lose control, control, of your reaction. Because at that point control is important.
So, forgive your reactions. Start learning how to handle them.
In theory, this stuff is great.
For months, no flashbacks. Through ups and downs, you haven’t dealt with the acrid reality of a dark past hooking itself soundly into your very naive fantasy that you have reached safety.
Besides, if it happens again you’re equipped. You’ve got all the tools in your toolkit; coping mechanisms, self love mantras, healthy hobbies and a healthy outlook. You’re prepared, you think.
And then you’re not.
