What purpose really feels like.
I’ve been out of school for a while. I didn’t exactly forget what it was like to study, it’s more like I forgot how it felt. It’s almost funny, how quickly I forgot my true passions when I was away from them. Maybe this is just human nature, or maybe it’s the enemy creeping in, but whatever it is, it's losing.
Yesterday was my first day at university. It wasn’t a proper day of lessons, more of an introduction, but it did me the world of good. I cycled over to the campus from my house, chained my bike up just outside, and walked in. There was people everywhere, people from every walk of life, and it was quite beautiful to see. I’d been praying for a while before this that God would allow me to feel able to be myself. I’ve had trouble in the past with pretending to be somebody else, falling in to sinful ways, but this was my fresh start, and I wanted to be me. When I walked in to the temporary lecture hall set up for the starting week, I realized that the real me is shy. A revelation! I had no mask to hide behind!
I don’t think the day’s events properly sunk in until I was recalling the events to my husband later that day. Whilst telling him about the people I’d met and the things I’d learned and what I still had to do, I realized that the grey mist that had been hugging my heart had lifted. It was like the sun was coming out inside my soul. After six months of highs and lows, of sadness and hope, I’d finally made it through. I remembered who I truly was, and what purpose I truly have in my heart.
So now my journey begins. Even though I’m in the right place, I know that it won’t be easy. There’s so many aspects of life to juggle, and so many goals to set and achieve, but the pressure is off for me. I don’t need this degree, or this knowledge to prove myself to God, because he has already accepted me as His daughter. Any wisdom I gain should be celebrated, but it is not the be all and end all, which is great news! I can truly enjoy the next few years of my life, knowing that my grades don’t define me, but my education will enrich me, and hopefully I will be able to enrich others.