Saturday Night Fever

What do these three things have in common, furniture found on the street, food on the verge of going bad and a pratfall?

Don’t worry, I’ll tell you.

My weekly food planning strategy is stupid at best. I eat whatever takes the least effort first, which is usually the stuff that takes longer to rot. So my strategy is abject laziness, procrastination and counterintuitive. Last week I ate Sweet Potatoes for three days in a row. Then I ate the vegetables that I could stir fry quickly red peppers, onions and mushrooms, while the butternut squash and broccoli sat in the refrigerator getting old. I am too lazy to roast broccoli. I should win an award for that.

I got up Saturday morning and realized I was on the verge of wasting a bunch of food. So, naturally I started cooking immediately. Hahaha, don’t be silly… I cleaned the house, washed my hair and wrote. Then I tried to take an online class on SEO. The class was so boring, my ADD kicked into high gear. When I snapped to, I found myself in a trance watching early 80’s music videos on TV. The SEO video was still playing in the background. I stopped myself at a half hour.

Cooking, I must get to cooking.

I started by making rice, because I was having stir fry for dinner. Then I sautéed the vegetables for the soup. I threw all the ingredients for the soup in the crock pot and turned it on.

I used a new recipe for the biscuits. It didn’t really work, but I ate five of them right of the oven. No need for stir fry any more.

Then I got a genius idea for the roasted broccoli. I would make a spice rub for it. I started toasting the Kashmiri chili and salt. I threw in the garlic for a quick second. I should of watched it, but I wandered over to the linen closet to get a kitchen towel. It started to smoke. I ran over and turned off the stove. Then I ran to the other side of the kitchen jumped on the chair to open the window. I struggled for awhile, but finally got it open. When I went to dismount from the chair, the chair wobbled, because I found it on the street and it’s not really stable. It just looks nice. So instead of sticking my landing, I fell flat on my side. 1:30 in the morning, lying on the ground stunned and it’s still smokey. I don’t want the alarm to go off, so I jump up and turn on the air conditioner.

I sit for a minute on the couch, contemplating whether I want to continue or give up. I need to take an Advil, the fall will not go unpunished.

I persevere and go back to cooking. I rub the broccoli with the spice rub, put the broccoli in the oven. It’s late, so naturally I call Anand. We play phone tag. My phone has been unable to receive phone calls due to Project Fi’s towers going down in my area. I turn off the air conditioner, because it’s too loud and it’s October. Anand and I finally catch each other. Then….

Fire, Fire, Fire the fire alarm calls out in a calm slightly English accent. Its affected really. If a fire alarm is going to talk I want it to scream in shrill tones. FIREEEEEEEE!!!! I guess it’s better to get the weirdly calm English lady at 2am.

Smoke was pouring from the oven. Stupidly I put the broccoli on wax paper on the cookie sheet. Now I am the asshole cooking at 2am. My neighbors must think I am drunk, but the broccoli was amazing.

1 Head of Broccoli

2 TBSP of Kashmiri Chili Powder

2 Cloves of Garlic Minced

Sea Salt

Olive Oil

Pre heat oven to 425. Wash broccoli and cut end off. (Don’t buy broccoli florets.) You want to cut the head of broccoli into long florets, like two inches long. Chop the garlic. Get a small skillet, put the Kashmiri chili powder and salt in the dry skillet on low. Toss the chili and salt around the skillet to release the oils. It only needs a couple of minutes and you need to babysit it. Then throw in the garlic, cook just so it becomes warm and then pour in olive oil. You need enough oil to make a slightly runny paste.

I am lazy, so pour the paste on your cookie sheet and then toss your broccoli in the spice mixture with your hands. Do not put your hands anyway near your face until you wash them. Put the broccoli in the oven for 20 minutes or so. You want the broccoli still crunchy, with a little char. Eat with your hands. If it’s too spicy dip the broccoli in some Greek yogurt.

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