5 Conversations Every Parent Should Have With Their Child By Age 12
I’m a parent. You’re reading this, so my bet would be that you are too. As most parents do, I fumbled my way through almost every step of the way. I am fortunate to be surrounded by a menagerie of diverse and creative fellow parents whom I have sought guidance and inspiration from along the way. (My own, included.) I’m comforted by the knowledge that as awesome as they all are, they usually don’t know what the hell they are doing most of the time either.
What I do know, however, is that my relationship with my son is one that is built on a foundation of strong communication. We talk. A lot. Our ability to openly discuss any subject at all is a quality that I nurture fiercely.
Conversations with a child can be hard. Will this be awkward? Is it too soon to bring this up? Should I wait until they initiate the conversation? In a long list of things I’m certain I did wrong, I can say with certainty that the one thing I got right is pushing all of these doubts aside and talking about it anyways. If a certain subject is on your mind, there is a reason for the why and the when. Before your child reaches their teen years, there are five conversations that I strongly suggest you have with them, if you have not yet had the opportunity.
1. Career goals
You’ve likely heard your child talk in length about which professional path they wish to pursue, at some point or another. Or maybe it’s never really come up, and you may be wondering if they’re too young to be thinking about it at all. I can assure you that you will be doing them a great service by having them give it some serious thought, particularly before entering high school. Sit your kids down, and let them know that high school is an incredible time to pursue interests that could give them advantages in any given field. From tailoring their elective courses to co-op placements, the advantages they could gain in landing career-relevant summer placements or expanding post-secondary options are indispensable.
Perhaps you have always had a clear path laid out for yourself, but don’t assume that your kids do too. Encouraging your child to give their future some honest consideration today may avoid a phase of aimlessness down the road.
2. Distracted/impaired driving
This seems like an obvious one, but I took a bit of a different approach to this subject that I would like to share. Although my son is a few years away from getting behind the wheel, the subject came up recently after a tragic careless driving incident made headlines in our local news.
I told my son that there will come a time when he is driving, and his text tone will go off. Perhaps he’ll want to change the song on his playlist. The road is straight and free of heavy traffic, and he’ll want to go for his phone. Now son, imagine that while your gaze is focused on the device in your hand, you hear a gut-wrenching *thunk*. Your thoughts will slow, your heart will sink deep into your chest, and you will look around to see what you’re vehicle has made contact with. I went on to paint a pretty sobering picture about what he might see in his rearview mirror.
A tad harsh? You bet.
You can tailor this scenario to the maturity and comprehension of your own child. My son is pretty hard to rattle, yet I would be remiss if I did not tell you that I was entirely going for the shock factor. To be completely honest, I wanted to scare the shit out of him. Let your kids know that this type of carelessness is not acceptable. Make them aware of the potential consequences. Assure them that they can call you any time of the night for a ride if they know they shouldn’t drive or don’t have a safe way home.
I have seen far too many young lives lost to careless and impaired driving in my lifetime. I will remind him of this story again in the future.
3. (Dun, Dun, DUN…) Sex
Alright, so this is clearly a tricky topic for most parents. Nevertheless, I strongly encourage you to initiate age-appropriate conversations with your kids as early as possible. From a very young age, there are discussions that you can have with your kids to answer questions they may be too afraid to ask, or prepare them for situations that may arise in the future. If you don’t know where to start, here are a few suggestions:
Self-respect — Recognizing inappropriate behaviour and touching, setting boundaries, and even learning to say no, are excellent topics of discussion for very young kids.
Respecting others — Talk to your kids about sexual orientation, celebrating differences, and respecting the personal boundaries of others.
Social media — Tell your kids that what they see conveyed in social media isn’t always normal or healthy representations of sex and relationships. Kids are exposed to a lot online and it’s not always information or images that they are equipped to handle yet. Setting realistic expectations can help teach your child that it’s ok to grow up at their own pace, and stay true to themselves.
Keep it positive — Try to limit dialog that focuses on the negative. Avoid using language that instills shame or fear.
Just listen — Always keep your ears open to opportunities for discussion. Listen to your kids when they talk to you about what happened at school, at the mall, or on the show they just watched. Bringing up certain matters with you can be scary for a child, sometimes a tiny whisper or subtle comment will be all they can muster. Listen. Respond without judgment.
If you find yourself entirely unable to discuss more in-depth topics with your kids, there is a lot of help out there. Turn to someone you trust for advice, or encourage your child to have a chat with a trusted friend or family member that you feel they could relate to. Give your kids the opportunity to have private conversations with an experienced counselor. Take charge of your child’s sexual education. It’s far better that they receive correct information from you in a supportive and safe environment than from other sources that could be riddled with untruths and peer pressure.
4. Death
Likely one of the most difficult conversations we will ever have to have with our kids is on the subject of death. As many of us have experienced a devastating loss at some point in our lives, we are well aware of the lasting pain and range of emotions that accompany it. If you have experienced this loss as a child or young adult, you definitely know how frightening and confusing the experience can be.
If your child has never endured the loss of a close relative or friend, it’s a good idea to have an age-appropriate conversation with them about the concept of loss. This topic is frequently raised by the child themselves. Whether a friend has lost a grandparent, or a beloved family pet falls ill, at some stage every child realizes that all life eventually ends. As difficult as it is, look for opportunities to talk about it.
In the case of my own son, I generally stuck to simply providing answers to questions asked. Sometimes the answers would lead to follow-up questions, and sometimes not. I found that talking about my own past experiences with loss, and providing straightforward, matter-of-fact responses was an effective approach. Knowing your child, you can go into as much or as little detail as you believe they are ready for. It is perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable engaging in such difficult conversations with a young person, as some may have very little understanding of death. Take advantage of the many resources available to kids and parents, you are in no way expected to have all the answers here.
5. Mental Health
In an age where mental health is at the forefront of many media platforms, it’s easier than ever to talk to your child about it. Everywhere you look, there are opportunities to broach the subject.
Touch base with your child often. Stay attuned to their behaviour. Social changes and loss of interest in things they usually enjoy can be a sign that it’s time to check in. Take advantage of literature and professional guidance when you have any concerns about your child’s emotional well-being.
You may be thinking that these are obvious suggestions, however you may also be surprised, depending on your child’s age, at how many of these topics have never really come up. It’s very easy to assume that your kids have already learned a lot from school, friends or the media. This is especially true for more sensitive topics that you might be subconsciously looking for excuses to not talk about. Don’t rely on outside sources to keep your kids informed. Beleive it or not, your kids want to know what you think.
“There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one”
— Sue Atkins
