So you say you are frustrated. Well how about another point of view.
You cannot afford to spend more than 6 sec on an applicant, while you expect the applicant to go find your name, your email address, write a touching letter — no, not the professional one, just highlighting what you want to hear (let’s just hope that applicant knows what you want to hear). Also, be clear and concise, but also include a sense of humour, baking hobbies and some more irrelevant stuff. And you are asking for humanity? I don’t think you are being very human.
Then your examples — really? Don’t get me wrong, none of them are poor or anything, but surely not the spectacular ones. Also, giving the example of Angus’s letter makes me angry. Again, I am sure he is a great guy, the problem is giving his email as an example for application letter.
I agree with keeping application emails short. I do strongly. But it is a job application so I prefer (and I expect employer to prefer) to cover my professional experience and then sense of humour and my beer drinking skills can show off in the interview. Keeping it short while skipping all my qualifications, doesn’t make much sense.
This all is coming from a graduate from industrial psychology. I am indeed looking for a job right now and that’s why I took time to read your post, however, I really tried to see your as an employer and CEO of the company perspective. Yes, any application shouldn’t be generic, yes an applicant should go research your name, yes he/she should prepare a portfolio and yes he/she should give you a glimpse of her/his personality, but you should respect every applicant as well and keep it professional.