My commitment to the Magic Cow Bridge House

There is no adequate German translation for the word commitment. It means something like joyfully committing. We all carry this fire within us, and when the right spark comes, a radiant bright light ignites and illuminates our life path.

This March, Daway announces his three-month bridge house in NY State. Whooshhhhhh, my flame is here! I am committed. I write back immediately. Daway welcomes me. I am moved. Seven weeks ago, I have been diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

In the time that follows, I learn that energetic and physical bodies are two different things : symptoms worsen, speech, chewing, swallowing, breathing. My energetic body remains stable, serene and calm. My joy of life even increases. What does this mean for my commitment to the Magic Cow Bridge House?

I feel unwell : sad, angry and anxious. I’m used to my physical body following the energetic body, and not the other way around. I dive into the feelings, make room for them. The swamp lasts for several weeks. I allow it. I know I cannot rush the process. Clarity will emerge. It will be all the greater the more willingly I face the discomfort. I hold space. Holding space is being alive!

And then suddenly, clarity is there : no Bridge House. I do not question. I let the others know right away. My box is afraid to displease, but the others are understanding. As soon as the meeting is over for me, my emotional body reacts with guilt. My box immediately raises the numbnessbar. My Gremlin catches it and reports back to me. Good job, Kraah!

I welcome the emotions beneath the guilt. They say: “Your no to the Bridge House is against any idea of commitment!” “That’s correct !” my mental body confirms rather curiously, without insisting. It now knows that concepts are concepts, not life. (This, of course, is also a concept.) The tension of the emotional body relaxes. I let the aftershocks wash over me. I breathe.

Afterwards, new thoughts come, which I know are again just concepts of temporary usefulness: what I want to learn at the Bridge House is “to be in relationship”, in other words, relating. My worsening symptoms are not a contradiction to the vitality of my energetic body. They tell me: “Realize relating with your husband. That’s where your commitment lies.”

Thus, the miraculous happens : Daway and Meredith come to visit me at home. My commitment to the Bridge House comes to me! I am overwhelmed by the love I experience. My husband feels it too. It is a real-life encounter of my PM world and my relating habits with my husband where I have lived in fear of a patriarchal dominance culture. What Daway and Meredith bring creates oneness where there was no oneness before. I now feel I always carry my culture with me. I never have to leave it again. And if I do, I have left it. It cannot be taken away from me. I feel such intense joy that it hurts. My five bodies are still fully absorbing this experience.

Commitment takes place in the energetic body. It is an inherent tool of the adult ego state. Commitment is the explosive that releases life energy and illuminates the path I came for in this life. Whether I commit to a cause or to someone, the truth is I am doing it for me. The result is always the same : more energy in me.

Commitment is give and take. I didn’t know I am on the receiving end this time. Receiving needs to be learned. I practice. I spread my arms, I open my heart. I receive with all my senses.

My commitment to the Magic Cow Bridge House is completely different than I imagined. Your visit here in Carignan expands my existence. And also the existence of my husband. He told me last night. Thank you Daway, thank you Meredith for what is flowing through you into the world !