Fear about my Growing Gremlin

I am attending a Gremlin Training. At the beginning we did Gremlin-Low-Drama-food-distinctions and diet-stuff. In the fifth Training week, we did Hook-Unhookable-exercise, non-linearity-creation through identity-shifts and Going-Mad-Training. My Gremlin had really fun. I feel still Kraah’s smile in my face.

The day after, it is my Gremlin feeding day. Kraah is very active this morning. I feel fear, a small amount of fear and I feed Kraah with praliné for breakfast. He loves it. I feel Kraah’s joy. To my surprise, Kraah doesn’t get calm and sleepy, as usual, but more agitated and greedy. My fear raises. I am alarmed. I use my anger to keep my attention for Kraah’s unexpected behaviour.

This morning, I skip my morning talk with Kraah for an unusual external appointment for my work. I am at a golf course to represent our non-profit-organisation for a fund raising. My Gremlin spots immediately many other Gremlins and gets highly excited. I need quite an amount of attention to stay aware, to continue to feel and to keep Kraah on my leash. About half an hour before the planed end, Kraah escapes. He has fun to judge the participants of that Golf tour as childish stupid unconscious idiots which have no idea about real life. With a mixture of joy and anger he starts to pack the flyers I brought before the end of the event and leaves without saying a word to the organizer of the event.

In my car, I get Kraah again on my leash. On the way home, I pause two times to feed my Gremlin with something to eat and to get clarity about my anger and my fear. I am angry because I don’t understand what is happening. Something wants to blame me. I use my voice blaster and avoid the Low Drama pit with myself. I am scared because I lost control. It’s partly a feeling and partly an emotion. I allow that fear to be there.

The same day in the afternoon, I had a phone call with my vice-president. She is a difficult person for my box. I talk to her without noticing that the amount of attention for my center and my Gremlin is too small, not fully lost, but to small. At the end of the call, my vice-president shares that she didn’t like the call. She feels an unease and a heaviness. Kraah escapes a second time ! This time it’s big. He explains and justifies and after the call ended he continues with long lamentations, blaming and “I am right”-cascades. I am in emotional anger, trapped in victimhood and Kraah has a lot of fun to make her wrong in endless loops … .

At dinner, Kraah escapes for the third time that day and he eats a big amount of food very quickly and with a voracious greed. Even then, he was not full and he needed more to eat.

In bed, I feel shame and guilt. I unmix by making notes in my beep book and avoid Low Drama with myself. I feel joy about this and I fall asleep.

The next morning it hits me : my Gremlin has become bigger ! He has grown !

I am trembling. What does that mean ? I hoped that this work would bring me some relief and more collaboration with my Gremlin, in a way more control. And now it’s the contrary ! He escaped three times ! He is bigger ! I am scared ! I fear to fall back into banishing Kraah from my life as I did for so many years.

I decide to immediately make space for a talk with Kraah : I welcome the new bigger Kraah. He likes it. I feel encouraged that he listens and responds. I ask him to show me his full size. He does it with proud. He is taller then me now. I feel joy that he collaborates. And at the same time, I am worried because he is so big.

I start our conversation, as usual, by asking Kraah about his feeding situation and he answers me by checking his five bodies. This time, he is not satisfied. I ask him : what do you need ? He says with a lot of clarity : “I need more food. I need higher quality food. I need that to talk to you more often during the day. I need you to be much more aware of me. I need more experiments.” Today, it’s eight days ago, that my Gremlin said that.

Every day, I feel my bigger Gremlin. I am still not used to it. I feel his forces and his hunger. My fear raises each time because my box wants to control my Gremlin. At the same time, there is clarity in me that my Gremlin’s growth induces my being’s growth. I am scared about the imbalance in this moment because Kraah is acting more often on it’s own. I open up for this fear. It widens me. I feel alive.

I decide to radically trust life.