Burnt and swell.

Two weeks. I’ve been feeling like shit and exhausted for the past two weeks for reasons unknown. I kept feeling of not going to work, staying at home, keeping myself tucked under my sheets, curl up in a ball and just cry myself to sleep repetitively. I have been debating within myself what could be the probable cause and why for those feelings but it never really occurred to me until the 8th of July.

It was a struggle to get to the epiphany. During the first few days it started, I initially thought it was because of a rush of steroids, we usually call hormones, are flowing throughout my body and making me feel all emotional. Wherein, these hormones were mediating physiological changes in my body and has caused me to feel the way I felt. It was not simply because of hormones. If it were hormones, by the time my period started it would’ve ended. It didn’t. I was still tired. I was still emotional and alas! I knew what it was.

I was burnt out.

I was one step closer for realising that I was burnt out but the question still remains as to why? Why was I burnt out? Frankly, my days as an undergraduate were taxing. There were countless nights I had to sleep less than five hours for six semesters consecutively because I had to finish reports and papers. My current working environment is a polar opposite yet I was feeling more burnt that I know I should. I am a curious cat by nature and I always want answers. With the situation of me not knowing of what was the root of these feelings was haunting me. It came to a point that I considered to consult a shrink in order to verify I wasn’t depressed or whatnot.

A sigh of relief came when the July 6 holiday arrived and I was able to spend almost the entire day with a close friend. She was aware of me feeling burnt out and meeting her helped as a breather from the craziness going on inside my head. She was suffering from a shitty week that time as well and perhaps the night-out we had was a break we both needed. We spent it by talking about our woes over milktea, alcopop and smoking two and a half packs of Marlboro Iceblast (can I just say? I’m loving this “new” filter they’ve put in those sticks… really packs the smoke). In our drunken ecstasy by late night, we played this Tinder game we came up with where she’d find and talk to matches for me and vice versa. We ate, drank, laughed, and cursed. I went home and went straight to bed.

Boy. I surely slept like a baby. I went to work the next morning feeling better and more motivated than I was the previous days. The euphoria of last night surely helped in clearing my mind and it was around the next two days I FINALLY realised why I was burnt out. It was because of work. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy to have work and I actually like my work. Paperwork + experimental laboratory work were things I enjoyed doing. However, I have not had experimental laboratory work for several weeks and my salary keeps arriving late in my payroll account. The lack of experimental work kept me at my seat and made me feel sedentary and the delayed salary brought me back to the days wherein I didn’t receive any for almost 6 months because of problems in funding.

This realisation helped in lifting the heavy load I’ve been carrying around. Getting in touch with my emotions and sorting them out felt liberating and exhilirating. Surprisingly, after knowing the cause, I no longer felt as bad as I did. Somehow, figuring myself out helped me feel better about the situation because I can finally devise ways to address it further. I’ve been smiling a whole lot more than I did the past two weeks.

This whole experience has been a learning process. I talk to myself about my feelings from time to time but I often dismiss them and don’t act upon them knowing they’ll pass. However, the pent up emotions I’ve been keeping took a toll on my mental and emotional well being that I JUST HAD TO ACCEPT AND REALISE IT.

It taught me that it’s actually okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to open it up to someone else. I’m glad that I took that step. I’ve been swell. I am swell. I went back to writing because of it too.

And hey! I’ll be off work for a few weeks and I can go on vacation. I’ll be hiking with a cute guy by then so…