Blind Sails Mended
The day I realized you weren’t coming back I tied a yellow ribbon around my heart. I thought the blood we shared would message a reminder to you through our beats and pulses.
Like morse code dot, dot you and her; is not you and me dot, dot. I did not believe you to be a drunken, shiftless negro. In fact you were my hero. You fascinated me with your size. I was enamored by your chest, bewildered by it’s differences to mine. The standards of your woman are not those of your child’s. That wretched voice of inadequacy lied.
The sharing of a cartoon was suffice. I never put together one job plus one bill equaled lights. Ignorant to the responsibility component I just say you abandoned me. The note read, “Left because I don’t know how to love you, so I am going to love me instead. I can’t seem to provide and, I feel like half of a man inside. You only tell me what I do wrong. The voices so loud I can’t tell which one is fake.
Your ex man.”
Here is the thing. I didn’t know how to read. I rubbed the indentions like braise for the articulation then muted. Dot, dot I’m not good enough. Dot, dot went to find another family. Dot, dot, long pause.
Now, I send messages in bottles as I drown in this ocean of low self esteem, insatiable lust, feelings of inadequacy. On the shore clear as water because my shipwreck condition is invisible to you. I’m marooned and you are leagues away.
Eventually, like trash washed ashore I was recycled, reduced, reused by my Heavenly Father. He taught me how to not only find value, but turn trash into treasure. Now, X marks the spot I wait for you. I wait for you with the ribbon on my heart because the blood that flows in us flows in HIM. When HE is lifted up HE will draw your vessel up out the water to be broken and emptied out.