I stretched out on my bed and closed my eyes. I lay there in silence, out of nowhere, i thought of him.

I thought of the time when I nervously met him at a coffee shop one fine Saturday noon.

I thought of the time when he held my hand for the first time.

I thought of the time when I finally admitted to myself that I am indeed falling for someone.

I thought all of these as if it happened yesterday or just a day before.

I had thought about him so often — too often, to the point, where it almost distorted my sense of time and date.

I opened my eyes yet my insane mind wanders from one memory to another.

I recalled the strong yet pleasing smell of his checkered polo.

I recalled how uncomfortably beautiful his hands are.

I recalled his sweet promises over coffee cups.

I recalled all of these as if it happened yesterday or just a day before.

I recalled things about him so much — too much, to the point, where it had shaken my steady, two-year old relationship.

I tried to brush it off. But lying down while staring at the blank ceiling seemed to bring back memories in blurred details.

I remember how I hated to let go of his hand; the same hand I prayed to never leave mine.

I remember how he kissed my forehead and all of the sudden, my entire world was safer and better.

It just feels so good to remember him randomly. I am scared that he’ll naturally fade from my forgetful mind.

2017 is about to end and I’m turning 26 soon — four years older than the college girl he used to hold in his arms and four times braver than the indecisive girl who chose to break his heart.

2017 is about to end and I’m venting everything out. I’ve kept this for the longest time without anyone noticing. I was petrified of the usual judgment, scared to be labeled as a player, but most of all, I was afraid that saying this would devalue the precious memories we once shared.

2017 is about to end and I’m freeing the large room he occupied in my stupid heart. I would stop rereading his letters at night. I would erase my favorite candid photo of him. I would beg loneliness to leave me & ask my inner self to stay sane while I’m in the process of moving on.

2017 is about to end and I’m hating myself for having little hopes that we’ll meet again someday, somehow. I wanted to hear his voice; the voice that once weaken my knees. I wanted to see him smile; the warm smile that once sent butterflies in my stomach.

A new year is about to begin. Wounds are healing fast. Scars are getting less visible. And I’m finally letting you go.

For the last time.

내 사랑, 많이 보고싶어. Goodbye.