Apr.22.16

It’s amazing how far I’ve come. I’m proud of myself. For being strong. For being determined. For being resolute. Sitting here, alone, in silence, in the dark. And slowly I’m okay. More okay with the tranquility, the stillness, and the dark. The storm came to pass and all that volatility simmered by. And I’m still here. And I’m sitting still in the darkness.

I’m craving sugar. I don’t know why. It signifies something. I want to feel good now. It’s a quick fix to feeling good and escape from me looking inside. But if I breathe, everything is okay. Everything is okay, when I learn to accept it for what it is. It is already there, you’re not changing anything. And slowly, the craving goes away, and I’m doubling up on equanimity.

I don’t want a job. I want an opportunity to grow. I want a place where I feel comfortable. I want a place where I can contribute. I want to find an organization that I can give my career to. And believe me, I am the best person for any job, because when I am committed, I give my life and I absorb like a sponge and I deliver like no one else. I just need to believe in it. I don’t want to force myself to believe in something anymore. I just want it to be right. I want it to feel right. So I can sustain myself, not financially, well, of course, financially, but spiritually? or just more personally. I can’t fume out anymore.

I think I just need a reason to work somewhere. A very personal, resounding reason, not a bullshit or superficial reason like making money or building “networks”. I need a deeper reason than that to give my life to something and give my energy in helping out a cause. If I’m working with great people I can learn from, that’s a reason. If I’m inspired to be around you that’s a reason for me — though that might be a simple, yet a tough bar to meet. If I’m working on a project that I sincerely believe and could feel the passion and be influenced by that, then I’m all for it, but that seems hard nowadays with everything going commercial/superficial and people looking to “address a NEED” not “bring something USEFUL”. It sounds similar but they are two different mindsets or have different connotations in my books. “Addressing a need” by definition is looking for a problem to solve. When someone orients their career or personal business to “address a need”, you look for a niche market where something is not met and you bring a solution for that. Of course, it CAN be a noble cause, but the underlying framework is mental/intellectual/business of (a) looking for a problem and (b) providing a solution. When you are oriented to “bring something USEFUL” you are similarly looking at problems, but in a more personal manner that allows you to think “WHAT CAN I BRING THAT IS USEFUL”. It’s geared toward providing something WORTHY. You’re not thinking a problem and focused on providing a solution, you’re thinking of a problem and focused on providing a USEFUL SOLUTION. You are grounded in bringing a value rather than making a living/sake of simply providing a solution. And that focus on the essence, usefulness, awareness and humility is what I can contribute my time and energy to. I can’t be motivated by superficial projects that are devoid of this conceptual framework and focus on the mental/business/purely just-for-the-sake-of-it projects like just to make money, just to do this, just to do that, without any deeper reason. I’m not saying that everyone a company does or every project someone wants to undertake needs a deeper, profound reasoning that will help the mankind or whatnot. I’m just saying, as a deep thinker, I don’t get aroused by people, projects, corporations that just stay on the surface level of things. You make money, you do A to achieve B, you do this and make money, then repeat… I’m not a robot, and I’m not a mindless person. I take my career so seriously that I’m not asking for a reason in everything that I will be asked to do or everything I do, but it needs to have something deeper, something greater than just making money or making the ends meet for me to truly apply myself, engage my thoughts, give it my time of day, give it my energy, and bring myself to the table. Because I’ve got what people may not have in spades, and I’ve got what it takes to be successful in every field I desire to be in. What I need is a reason to apply myself and give it the time of day.

I’m sure that I’m not the only one. I’m sure many people are as serious about their careers and of course anyone and everyone is successful when they are motivated. I’m just one of the many, but I am also a part of the smaller percentage out of these people who are aware of their own human nature like this. I’m just journaling and this is where my mind wandered to this time. It’s Saturday now, it’s 1:22 AM. I feel like I need to do something. I feel uneasy sitting still. It’s the same process, trying not to look inside.