Hey Brittany, how are you.
I want to get close, but I am scared.
I want you, but I am scared. Of getting my heart ripped out. Of ending up on my bed alone. And tossing and turning when all that has passed me by and leave me deserted.
Stuck in my past, my thoughts, and my fears. I can’t come up with the words, because I’m not listening. I am afraid to listen. Afraid of hearing if you want me. Because I will want to respond, but I can’t and that will only make me hate myself even more. And I’m afraid of seeing you get inadvertently disappointed, and walk away just like all the girls that came before you.
But I will ask you out. I want to ask you out, because you’re smart and beautiful, confident and eloquent. Okay maybe not eloquent, but open and honest. I like that.
I like her. I think about her. I think we connected there. She came in to say hi. But I am pushing them away, is it fear? Or is it knowing better? I know I want it, but it’s a feeling and a dangerous one if I don’t keep it under control.
So I am afraid. Of you. Because I am afraid of the past repeating itself. I don’t feel ready to risk it again. Sounds like I am still hurt, broken, and chained by the past. Well, I don’t disagree, and I know this to be true. And yet, I’m still not getting through. I know I will be through with this. I will come out strong as my most genuine self. No bullshit. No coffee. No commitments. No affirmation. I may be small, I may be fragile, and maybe because I’m disoriented or maybe because I never stood up, but I have it in me to be patient, to be hard-working, and to persevere through the end.
Silence. Alertness. Patience. Persistence.