I have a huge inclination for growth & learning. Any type of learning, growth, and development is what I strive for in life. That is my life purpose.
I am present in the moment when I learn/do something that will empower me, strengthen me, and deepen my sense of self.
By design, this willingness and passion for learning is intertwined with a susceptibility to feel vulnerable, less than, seemingly inadequate, and somewhat like a “half-empty bottle”. Is it the feeling or the self-critical aspect of one’s personality that causes the rise of such strong attraction for learning, or is it the genuine passion for learning and the enjoyment through the process of that makes one susceptible to feeling like you can be always inadequate or “there is always room for improvement.”
— side note: you can feel like 1. You can always be better. Or 2. You are always inadequate. Both are completely the same by nature, but just different in viewing one’s situation, but also note that when you are pushing yourself really hard and reaching for those stars, it is so easy to just slip in the moment and go from seeing yourself as always improving to seeing yourself as inadequate with a prolonged period of perseverance but no “solid” outcomes, which is more often the case the harder the goal is and more persevering the person is.
The irony here is that the longer the person persevered, the harder the person tried, and the more risks a person takes, the harder the fall if the outcome is not desirable, and is considered a “failure” — or will be considered as a “failure” — making the person downward spiral into an abyss of pessimism, hopelessness, and passivity the longer, the harder, and the more sincerely this very person tried.
As an example, I wanted to try to write about my own experiences, but it seems I am still defensive and irrational about it. Let alone being able to look at the situation from a detached, objective point of view. So first, say if there was a basketball player who tried his whole life to be a basketball star, because of his greed to be famous, make lots of money, be on TV, get people’s admiration, to show off, and be better than others, he would fail. He would not reach his goal if his genuine intentions were so corrupt.
I was too. My intentions were anything but genuine. I didn’t want to get into business school, because I wanted to do business. I wanted to, because it was firstly the best school in Canada. It meant I would be better than everyone else. It meant that I can prove myself better than all those stupid, dumb fucks. It meant I could judge people, look down on them, and undermine their humanity, because I believe in hierarchy between people. I cannot be a team player, but I am controlling, ego-feeding, self-seeking, and unaware and uninterested of others’ wellness. I wanted everything for myself. All that greed. The ego. The ego. And the ego. I am sorry. Just because I’m smart, doesn’t mean that I am better. Intelligence is not the rod of God that you use to judge people or degrade their humanity. It’s precisely because I am stupid that I hate myself. I hate how stupid I am, so I drink coffee, stay focused, and try my best to not look stupid, when, in fact, I am really, really slow and dumb. And I cannot multi-task. I can focus on something and get zoned out doing it, but I can’t get distracted or be thinking about 2 things at the same time. I can, if I drink coffee, but that is just self-hatred. Do 1 thing at a time.
For the next hour, I am here to meditate. To focus on the breath. And at work, I am there to work. To do my job.
“Just do your job, kid”
And as I read this over, I get detached from myself, because as I read what’s already published — written — it’s no longer something I am writing but an “other” that I am reading. I have this wall up between other people and I, and it’s funny how as I ready own writing from across the time, I end up alienating my own inner voice and my deeper self. (As I classify whatever I read as written by someone else, because in that moment I’m reading not writing down those very words) And what happens is that I alienate those very ideas, thoughts, and identity that are at the very core of my being and feelings. Hating other people directly turns into hating myself and alienating myself. Judging myself. Distancing myself. And undermining my own humanity and wholeness. So don’t read this afterwards. Or read with compassion. Why do you hate people so much. Why can’t you accept yourself? Why are you so hard and critical of yourself? Why do you think you are never good enough? And why do you firmly hold onto that belief like your life depends on it? Why is your identity based out of inadequacy, inferiority, and fear? And that’s why I am afraid to let those things go, because I identify myself with those ideas and I am terrified of not knowing who I am, terrified of the unknown outside of a boundary set by inferiority, fear, and hatred. I am more terrified of letting go of the most hurtful and negative feelings and thoughts, because I don’t want to not know that a world exists outside that is not all of these things……? I am already going through the worst. I am knowingly consuming garbage, because garbage is all I know, and I am…. Afraid of not knowing the good than knowingly eating garbage ? What the fuck am I doing… lol
Ask that girl out. Open up your heart to other people. They don’t bite. The worst they can say is “no”. Speak up. Exude your energy, whatever it is.
I am scared of exuding my energy, because I am happy, but I’ve been rejected and hurt because of that. Because I’m childish and unassuming and carefree. People are like, “what the fuck is wrong with you.” And the first was Jenna, who I still hate. And second was Kara. I am scarred for that. I think I can’t be loved for who I genuinely am. I am not sexy enough. Being sexy is being quiet, manly, silent, and strong. That’s what I think. It’s unfortunate. But hey, there will be someone for you, weirdo. Someone as weird as you are, but who will appreciate you for who you are. There will be someone who will appreciate me for who I am. There will be someone who will accept me in all my good and bad moments. There will be someone who will challenge me to be a better person. But this person will fall in love with that very side of me that is crazy. There will be someone. And when that person comes around, I will be grateful. I will be humble. And I will be genuine. And I will try to be that person for other people. Accepting others for what makes them the most crazy, weird, special.