I think I might be bi-sexual. I don’t quite believe it, really, but it makes sense on some level.
If you love a person you love that person for who they are. And .. hmm then I don’t think I’m bi-“sexual” but I might just love everyone. I have a fear of being gay or being looked at as gay just because. And because my brother went through a period in school really brief, pretty much just an incident, but where his friends were gossiping about him like “I think he’s gay, because as Korean people we are very gay in a way we interact with our friends compared to Canadians. Cultural differences. And then I was called gay by people, it was a taboo, and also I was questioned because I didn’t seem to be interested in girls and I didn’t chase “ass”. I just had girls coming at me at all different directions, to be honest, I took that as granted and played with their feelings, which I later learned not to do btw. So to be cocky a little, they couldn’t just understand why I didn’t do anything when a “hot” girl just came up to me. It’s just that it was nothing that was like reeaally out of the ordinary, and it just became a thing we got used to. It’s like everyday, so maybe call that higher expectations. But at the same time it hurt me to be actually genuinely questioned and distanced as “gay” and I was stumped that my sign of affection was taken and thrown away and felt like I was dejected as a person when I was being true and trying to approach other people truthfully. So I am always halting showing my affection for other people girls for one that I dont want to play them and feel guilty if I “lead them on” or get them and get disinterested. Then guys that if I do show that I care then they will look at me and question if I’m gay with a look of dismissal and insensitivity. Reading this, I know it makes no sense but that’s why childhood development is so important these irrational fears can make an impact on you. It hurts when you care. And when you care about everyone you can get jabbed from any direction at any given time. But to be honest with myself, I still genuinely do care about everyone else’s well-being. I care about other people’s happiness, maybe because selfishly it makes me happy when other people around me or people I know are happy. But yeah… I don’t know I think I still care. It makes me happy too. So back to my point…
I was just thinking that… well first I learned that love is acceptance. Sex and love are different. And if love is acceptance love is a choice. Not a feeling. Not a conditional entity. Then I was thinking honestly you love a “person”. And when we love someone, it really boils down to their personality, principles, character, or their so called “soul” than their tits, ass, dick, abs of steel, arms, hair, or gender that makes up all these biological/genetic features. What I’m saying is that I love a person. And this thought scares me but if that person is a dude then it’s a dude if that person is a girl it’s a girl. Though if it was a guy I don’t think I’d be comfortable having thoughts of sex per se, just because I’m brought up and grew up programmed that way. But if it need be that this person is someone I could spend my life with then I could potentially go sexless marriage. Well at least theoretically. I’m not having sex anyways so it’d just be status quo anyways.
But that’s the thing, if your love knows no boundaries, your love for both sexes should be the same. By that token, if I am really a giving, loving person my love should know no barriers of language or color. But I do have a barrier of racism, because I was subjected to racism and was a casual victim. I think I was a casual victim. Insensitive comments that were so easy to make. Easy jokes. Language barriers. Minority. Outnumbered. And I am still yet to overcome those barriers. I never challenged them head-first like how Oprah Winfrey did or how Barack Obama did or how Jeremy Lin or how millions of other minorities challenged this “norm”. I think now Asian culture is amongst the bottom in the racial race. The black people, I’m not too sure but are at least half and half. They got the music, dance, singing, or sports that young kids growing up can be proud of or have an edge in. But still some stereotypes exist that ostensibly challenge their capacity to do perform certain white-collar jobs. But in a way I also think that a lot of success in life comes from being confident and true to yourself and part of that comes from childhood/teenage development and they do have an edge on a lot of fronts that are “cool” amongst teens like sex, music, drugs, sports, etc…
White people I’m just gonna skip. Hispanic people/brown people I don’t know but your looks go along with other white/black people. You blend in. And really, looks and physical attractiveness/similarity play a huge role in making friends, thinking that someone is friendly, or in making a social circle. Seriously. If you don’t know yet you didn’t take psychology in university. So it’s like only the Asian… I rambled on and on and on about Asian stereotypes and how bad Asian kids get it in school. Honestly I think it’s the worst for the Asian kids in school. We’re just “different”. We distinctly look different, sound different, think differently. And quite often Asian people get easily alienated by default.
In high school, i remember thinking to myself and making a resolution that I kept together ever since that i will become that Obama Lebron or Winfrey so that when someone makes fun of an asian kid they can be like “hey that isn’t true he’s asian and he’s this. And he’s better than whatever.” I just wanted to do that because I was socially harrassed like that jokingly but not really and routinely, because it was so easy. And I want to know everything, because every time i didn’t know something, kids would make fun of me and make a big deal out of it like “omg everyone he doesn’t know this.” and someone that I thought was a friend always did that. I thought if I just kept it cool and kept on being nice, he would stop, but he never did. And I learned how to be friends with shitty people, just to survive and have friends and have a social circle though it was rot and I learned how to survive by outwardly deflecting the jokes and slowly dying away inside. I didn’t pick the right friends growing up, because my own greed and drive got in the way. And that’s all I knew. I don’t know if I want to stop here because I’m tired, because I have to work early tomorrow, or because I am scared to go into it here any further. I think it’s all 3 but subconsciously the latter. That’s probably why I’m all of a sudden tired. You learn amazing things about you when you meditate. And though I was stuck in my thoughts. Wait am i stuck now or was I stuck before. These are the questions I have on a second to second basis. Questionjng my thoughts. Questioning my questions and questioning my answers. Then questioning why. Why, why, why, why, why. And the answer will always be followed by another question. And the questions will give you insights. But the beauty and joy lies in the moment. In the breath. In the pain. And in the absence where we think is empty but have stored away the missing pieces.
There will be someone that will love the swooning, careless, petulant side of myself. He/she will embrace that side as much as my other sides. And for now, I will try to be that person for other people. Their ugly sides, character, actions are what makes them special. That’s okay ! You’re human, no one’s perfect. That’s what makes you special.