I love you.
Despite this dark. Despite the silence. I love you through it all. Lesson to be learned is that I gave up my dreams in second year. I gave it up, when I almost had it, because I fumed out. Because I didn’t build a support system, friends and families I could turn to. I relied on myself. Helping others help you, but you must be strong for yourself first as well.
Do like today.
Patience and persistence.
Despite the falls despite the trials and tribulations. Keep trying. Do it simply over and over again until you get it.
Next time, I will try again. I will get up and try. Just face the fears and learn. Keep learning. If I’m incompetent, I will learn. If I am sad, I will turn to friends. If I am angry, I will address my anger.
I am grateful that I am a survivor. I am grateful for surviving. For persevering. I am grateful for being vulnerable and achieving depth. I am grateful for being me.
You only achieve depth by allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and as I think I’m getting back on my feet, I am grateful for all the experiences that broke me down and kept me underwater.
What I have noticed about myself time and time again is that I strive for recognition from others. My whole life was anything but self-driven, borrowing strength and fortitude from others. What challenged me to step up and show up for myself was a 10-day Vipassana retreat I went to thanks to a dear friend I made when I was in Calgary.
I was a very bitter, angry, critical person. I know addiction and I know feeling helpless. I know being unable to listen to anything anyone says, being silenced by the voices in your head, and feeling hopeless and completely trapped. I tried everything to make myself better but nothing seemed to work that gave me a permanent fix. To say the least, I am confident that I was active and committed to my recovery and yet was not getting any results from my conscious efforts. I had convinced myself that “I am a miserable person who deserves this misery”, so despite my efforts, I would not allow myself to be better, unless I pushed myself beyond the point of “death” silencing my entire being and existence by running past my limit and running past a point where I felt I could die if I kept running past that mark. This was what I was up against, because I had made it so clear to myself that I amounted to nothing, that despite all my efforts and however many hours and dedication I would put into something, I was just not good enough for anything. That I will amount to nothing, that I am the most retarded person in the world, and that I am disgusting and that nobody loves me. It still hurts me today. I spent every waking second productively. In fact, I spent every single second awake or asleep productively. No break, 24/7 7 days a week. Constantly pushing at maximum potential. Being aware at every moment. Keeping eye. Observing, processing, thinking, and producing at the same time. It’s gotta be done, because she is the love of my personal life and this is the love of my professional life. Everything is at stake, and I would literally give up anything to focus on one, but I couldn’t give her up nor my dreams nor my family that was struggling. I had to be there for all 3 so I gave up friends. They had to go, because I prioritized her, my profession, and my family, and I didn’t have the time or energy to keep in touch let alone even think about you.
My mind eroded away slowly disintegrating into million pieces as I watch my thoughts disappear into ashes and as my identity shatters in front of my own eyes as I lie before it helpless. Nothing I could do but just watch. You ask you take control over your life and your decisions. And don’t victimize yourself. That people who perceive to have “control” over their lives are happier. I didn’t end up like this because I gave up. I don’t victimize myself, because I was a victim. I had control over everything. Over myself. I had total control over myself and I took hold of every single second I had. I used 24 hours effectively. Efficiently. Every single fucking day. To not have to give up on love. On someone and on something and on my family. I just stopped one day on the top of my bed. It didn’t feel anything special or drastic. Just the usual tiredness, feeling of empty, wired brain, restlessness, something you get used to but are not feeling, because you learn how to shove away your feelings that get in your way of getting real work done, when you don’t have a single second to spare. I could not fail, because she, Ivey, and my family meant everything to me. That was my whole reason for existence. And chasing all 3, one day I found myself on the bed just like any other day or any other time calculating some hours to be exact so I can get up with some energy to continue drag myself forward. But this time just that I couldn’t get up. It was all a blur and 5 days just passed in the most quiet, empty, deprived mind. I believe I had gotten up couple times to sip some water and gotten back on my bed like a zombie. I gave it everything I had, but still I was not good enough. I did make it happen, I didn’t make the bar but I had gotten all 3 at bare minimum, but I saved them all. But I couldn’t finish when the summer came around and I bombed the interview, I was too fucked after that point to have real feelings, or to think properly. I was emptied from the inside out. Don’t have no brain nor the heart or the organs to do anything. I recall it was like being on a desert lying down with your chin up facing forward with no more limbs, bones, and thoughts, and feelings to feel the pain. I used up everything to save those I loved, and I was burnt to ashes. And I am a new person. I enjoy life more I think. I think I learned how to love myself. Appreciate myself. And accept myself. Ask for help when you feel scared and small. Learn when you feel incompetent. Express when you feel wronged or angry. Express when you feel happy. Accept at the end of the day.