Why do I suck so bad. Why this feeling so deep. so real. so overwhelming. why you besiege me. Walls. bricks. strong. hard. black. darkness. dark. trapped. stuck. not lost. immobile. stable. fixated. so clear this picture. so picture perfect. A person inside. dark. thoughts eating away. trickling at the back. breathing air. reaching but not getting what is needed. don’t know what is needed. typing. feeling. trying. not trying. thinking. breathing. breathing. inhaling. exhaling. repeating. repeating. repeating. repeating. normal breath. yawning. tired? unsure. delusional? maybe had been. distracted. unwilling. unwanting. Intellectually I want to try. Deep inside, I don’t. That’s the truth. I don’t want to.

“I’m tired. I suck. I’m not worthy. I don’t deserve it. I am this. I am that. This. That. THis. And then some of that…..”

Fuck that man. Go fuck youself….. !!!!! Fuck all with that weak ass bullshit. Where is this coming from … you?!? from your heart? from the inside of your heart? LOL What is it that bring this out? a heartbreak? some loneliness? harassment? isolation? socially harassed? “Yes” Well that’s like 20 years ago man. You’ve got new people around you. New opportunity. New chances everyday to get through this. “Craving for girls… and ass” Dude wdf stop looking. Do you. Do your dishes. Do your laundry. Do your job. I don’t believe that. I still have some attachment to looking at asses. Why WHy WHYWHYHWYHWYHWYHWYHWYWHYHYHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHWYHWYHWYHWYHYWHYW.

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okay that’s enough. I don’t know. hm.. I forget what I was talking about. Well I don’t know. I want to be good, but I don’t want to put in the work. I just want to be good automatically. I’m tired of FUCKING TRYING MAN. I”M FKING TIRED OF TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING AND NOT GETTING SHIT BACK. WHY I”VE BEEN GOOD TO GOD< I”VE BEEN GOOD TO PEOPLE< I”VE BEEN DOING MY WORK, SOMEWHAT, AND I”VE BEEN TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING AND FUCKING TRYING> SO WHY DO I NEVER GET WHAT I FUCKING WANT? I NEVER GET WHAT I FUCKING WANT. EVER. I’VE ALWAYS FAILED AND I’M TIRED NOW.

Am i tired? I’m not tired. It’s just a feeling.