The Couch Security Guard Ballad

An assignment I did in a high school creative writing class. The prompt was to create a ballad based on a magazine ad. Below is the ad I chose.

The Couch Security Guard Ballad

Become a Couch Security Guard:

Sit all day on your rump.

Imprint patterns on your butt;

Your living room's a dump.

Can you sit and watch TV;

Stay up through the twelves?

Then many couches need your help:

They can't protect themselves.

You feel like a part-time hero,

A hero that gets paid.

Guard your couch and smoke all night-

Your brain begins to fade.

You're either a guard or in jail,

The cause'll be the same.

Either choice you're sitting down,

And whose the one to blame?

There's not a lot of jobs for you.

Not tryin' to be your mom.

Stay above the influence

Or enjoy those dull sitcoms!