Letting Go

It’s been 50 days since Mr. W has left South Africa.

50 Days since my heart broke. 50 days ago I parted with Mr. W at an airport terminal. 50 days of agonizing pain, heartache and anxiety. 50 days worth of lies. Lying to myself that I’ll be okay.

50 days of constant crying. 50 mornings where I’ve reached for my phone to see if he’s said good night. 50 evenings whereby I’ve wanted to say goodnight, but had to stop myself. 50 days without Mr. W by my side.

But how does one let go? Mr. W was/is the most important aspect of my life because he had the ability to change me in ways nothing else could. He had a way of turning absolute hell into heaven, with a single hug.

To be honest, I built a vision of our future together in my mind. I created hopes, dreams and built anticipation on a move to Ireland.

I created a reality that revolved around my relationship, with a possibility of that future becoming a reality. Yet, my possibility quickly became an impossibility - I crumbled along with the future I had hoped to see with Mr. W.

Letting go of someone who meant so much to you, who changed the person you are in a such a drastic way, is incredibly difficult — there’s no way of sugarcoating it; it fucking breaks my heart knowing that I’m going to have to make him a memory.

49 days later, I constantly realize that Mr. W has run away from a very painful relationship. I was happy, he wasn't. I blame my optimism… I blame myself, and I hate myself for this day after day.

You must understand, I’m not one to hurt others. I will, if I need to protect a loved one, but I don't hurt others. Yet, here, the person I loved the most, I killed on the inside. I loved him, with and without faults. I loved him with my entire being, my whole heart and my entire soul. I loved him against everything thrown in our way. I know he did too, but it got too much.

50 days later I can acknowledge that my relationship has, in fact, died. It feels as if Mr. W has died. It’s at 50 days that I’m getting pulled under and lost in absolute grief.

How will I ever get over this man? The man that loved me so intensely? The man who loved me purely for me, my faults and all the positives, so much so that my faults had broken him. How does one apologize? How does one make this right?

Schatz, I love you! I love you against all reason, against promise, against hope and peace, against happiness, against sadness and against all discouragement that could be.