Being Right is Never Enough…
Almost never enough…please don’t take it too literally…but do take it to heart.
Somewhere along the pathway of life, an internal voice, usually driven by external pressures, urges us to know the answers. The need to be right about the things we believe, think, say, or do seems to take precedence. Our lived experience and pervading cultural rules of measuring up are indelibly imprinted. They trip us up, keep us disconnected and unfulfilled. How did we become so addicted to such self-defeating, zero sum game patterns?
I wonder sometimes if we can feel even more vulnerable as we gain knowledge and experience. The more I know, the more I’m humbled by the sheer magnitude of what I certainly don’t (yet) know. Those blind spots, where we don’t know what we don’t know — are real.
I can feel reasonably confident using what I have to the best of my ability at any given time. However I’m increasingly aware of my limits and the vastness of knowledge and wisdom not (yet — maybe never) within my purview.
The commonly used term imposter syndrome suggests a pathology, a psychological condition whereby a person feels deficient. While helpful for acknowledging that widely-experienced sense of never feeling good enough, it is perhaps better understood as imposter phenomena, rooted in societal norms that have given rise to its widespread prevalence.
People individually struggling to keep up, catch up, measure up — to look and sound polished, leading-edged and on top of their game — feeding a dysfunctional competitive cycle. That slippery slope often urged us to conceal our vulnerability and play up our prowess, credentials, accomplishments and conquests. These pervasive patterns became normal. The name of the (win-lose) game.
Knowledge, experience and competence are always relative — on a continuum. We can always learn more and become more capable, even from people who (seemingly) have less experience.
When we have a thirst for (developmental) growth and we’re always evolving — we can strike a peaceful acceptance of our (current) limits. Maybe by reframing, we stop self-labelling ourselves as impostors — as never good enough. We stop the silent self-denigrating self-talk. We learn to silence the critic. We become gentler with our vulnerable selves. We don’t have to fake-it-till-we-make-it (or overcompensate) because we’ll never arrive at a finished expert place or end-point.
Not saying it’s easy…but somehow that vulnerability is what connects us all as human beings and keeps us humble — in ways that are actually more whole. When we accept it and quit fighting against it — life becomes richer and we learn more.
“Be yourself; everyone else is taken.” ~Oscar Wilde
I have ideas. I have thoughts. They are always in flux. I let things in. I let things go. I am not my ideas or thoughts. They are not who I am. They are only a part of me at any given time. I am more. I am always more than my latest clever or creative expression or doing. I am a human being. Not a human doing. I am always on the verge of becoming more…
Those sinking feelings of imposter phenomenon loosen their grip as we relax, welcoming others to fill in some gaps, contributing diverse capabilities as we work collaboratively…
Think we can become gentler with others’ partially formed ideas too. We let others contribute, build on our ideas, add theirs, adapt ours — to the point where it no longer even matters whose idea it was at the outset.
Imagine a world where the exchange of ideas was offered and experienced as gifts — unfinished, imperfect, unpolished gems that contributed to something made better as a result of humility, grace and reciprocity…Imagine if we worked at it…Would that begin to look and feel like real creative collaboration, with better outcomes as we increasingly befriend our mutual vulnerability?
We can truly celebrate others’ ideas and thoughts, as contributions with great potential. I think this is when true co-creation can take flight.
“The scarcest resource is not oil, metals, clean air, capital, labour, or technology. It is our willingness to listen to each other and learn from each other and to seek the truth rather than seek to be right.” ~ Donella Meadows
I do think many of us navigate through life (to varying degrees) trying to compensate somehow, for not being enough. It takes many forms. We try harder to fill some hole, some deficit, to prove our worth, our value, to be heard and understood, to earn our place, to deserve what we want and/or need. Sometimes we push harder, seeking something out there to make up for what’s missing. Sometimes we retreat, hold back, disengage or give up.
Living through these times shaped by decades of Industrial Age societal patterning, to varying degrees…in a variety of ways — touches us all.
“I am not enough-ness” insidiously or obtrusively invades our psyches.
Dr. Gabor Maté speaks poignantly to The Myth of Normal, the personal and systemic trauma of a society that pushes us to (over)compensate and/or conform in maladaptive ways — to fill aching holes in our souls with things and habitual behaviours that invariably perpetuate cycles of trauma and deeply unfulfilled needs.
The roots and tentacles of crises that grip society today, harming people and planet, can be traced back to multiple interlacing sources of trauma.
THIS IS HUGE!
“I’ve experienced my own healing to a significant degree, and I believe what’s possible for individual human beings is also possible for aggregations of human beings, including society as a whole. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of willingness to get through the illusions. But human society — and human history — is a record of not just all kinds of crimes and misdemeanours but also a lot of transformations.” ~ Gabor Maté Wants to Overhaul Society
As we uncover the pathways leading to life-affirming patterns, our truth-full stories liberate us from those personal and imposed cages.
Toxic fear recedes, no longer pulling our strings. Love becomes a driving life force.
Rather than draw lines that artificially cut us off from ourselves and others, our rich diversity is free to be…play…engage. Gifts differing.
“I am enough” can (re)connect us to the beautiful whole wonderfully diverse mosaic and web of life.
We can flow [co]creatively, valuing our individual and collective contributions. We can let go of that hollow performative push to compare ourselves, compete and measure up to standards that paradoxically set the bar way too low — often bankrupt of meaningful value.
Perhaps the drive for more-ness (and driving fear) fades — where we don’t need to stand out or impose ourselves into the centre.
Interconnectedness shifts our artificially bounded incomplete sense of self to a flourishing sense of enough-ness and belonging. Our personal journey is nested within an abundant collective journey. When we shift from societal pressures that reinforce ego-driven needs to become individual islands of brilliance, together we can become much more.
“When a system is far from equilibrium small islands of coherence in a sea of chaos have the capacity to lift the entire system to a higher order.” ~ Illya Prigogine, Chemist and Nobel Laureate
Perfection is indeed unattainable! Best to accept…that to be human — like nature and all living beings — is to be (perfectly) imperfect, with rough unfinished defining edges. It’s okay. Better than okay.
Striving to become a better or fuller version of ourselves doesn’t mean becoming perfect. Another of life’s balancing acts. Better to act with intentionality and humility.
Since we’re always works-in-progress, life continues to dish up plenty of opportunities to grow and improve — as we (re)own our vulnerable selves.
Life and work are living labs. Every day offers opportunities to make a difference. We’ll make better progress working together, tapping our full creative human capacities
Acknowledging and accepting our own natural limits can also prevent (or temper) the arrogance (a blinding blindspot) that too often seems to manifest, creeping in when someone — any of us — become experts, having mastery in particular domains.
To live the questions, peering through those systems-thinking lenses, we need to gather and weave together our collective wisdom. As individuals, we gotta let go of the need to be right — because being right is never (quite) enough anyway, even in those instances when we think we’ve got the answers.
Even when we really do have the answers…and especially if nothing changes…When our knowledge, experience or wisdom isn’t understood, incorporated or used — no one gains…
The need to be right often fuels the pervading polarization and keeps the system stuck. We seem to be reaching a tipping point. There is a critical need for true collaboration to really take root, between more of us, across sectors, disciplines, cultures and generations — all the divides — in more places throughout the world.
“We always have a choice. In any given situation, we can choose to be right or we can choose to be better. When we choose to be right, we often end up bitter and not better” ~ Stephen Shedletzky
When we see beyond the limiting, binary either-or view, the picture is much more expansive. An infinite game* perspective suits complex challenges where more variable, moving parts are at play. When we embrace a long view towards people, work and life, we can let go of the finite being-right game. Better to adopt an and-and approach that deals with the real complexity and opens up possibilities.
[*I considered deleting this reference to the infinite game. Language can trip us up, yet dancing with paradox and holding the inherent tension is part of this ongoing journey. This really is no game, but the stakes are high, as we consider the cascading impact of our decisions on a living finite planet — our home. Sound strategy and systems thinking is (has always been) way more than a conceptual head game. A long forward-facing and retrospective ancestral view encompassing seven generations — reflects the deeper roots of Indigenous wisdom that oughta guide our collective navigation. The finite is nested within the envisaged infinite.)
When we consciously choose not to fall into the binary boxed-in thinking that keeps discourse polarized, we’re better poised to discern what is true, in the midst of increasing change, turbulence, complexity and noise. Sense making takes work. We’re all human. None of us are exempt from cognitive biases and our inherent #messyhumanness.
Some folks are able to see and articulate more from a macro perspective, connecting patterns. Some are able to drill down with laser focus on key issues. Some are working at ground level assimilating and practically applying concepts and tools. Some are working from the blurred, intuitive creative edges, incorporating warm data, whether or not the conceptual underpinnings are consciously applied. Some don’t bother to engage at all, with stuff outside their comfort zones and not seen as relevant to their work and life. Some are more inclined to straddle it all, without deep expertise in any single discipline. And so on…
It’s natural for us to be passionate about the things we most care about, where we bring our particular strengths. It’s natural to double down and commit (yet more zealously) to the particular approach or methods we embrace. It’s natural to do what makes sense to us from our particular (ad)vantage points.
The biggest danger is when we’re certain that our own view and vantage point is all-encompassing.
Being right is never enough or complete when we’re dealing with layered issues, multiple stakeholder perspectives and human system change. That may be why the word nuanced is being used so much.
And not being wrong…doesn’t mean we are right…
In order to be open to others’ perspectives we gotta listen actively — for real. That means, not just politely waiting for someone to finish talking so that we can speak.
Rule Omega is a helpful guideline for engaged listening:
“The rule is simple — give someone the benefit of the doubt and do your best to inquire into what’s behind their words. This rule helps us have the humility to know that even if we think what someone is saying is 95% noise, that 5% signal is of value and might teach us something — ask more questions, inquire, and listen as best you can to what they’re really trying to express.” ~ Rebel Wisdom
In this powerful four minute clip, Daniel Schmachtenberger, Jordan (Greenhall) Hall and Jamie Wheal illustrate rule omega.
So back again to mindfully, really giving a damn about the larger community to which we all belong. Living in the real world usually demands some adjustments, figuring out in the midst of flux, what is contextually true and roughly right (almost never perfect) with the information available (never complete.)
It also requires some clear boundaries…red lines…a moral compass, whereby we’re transparent about the values that govern our conduct and the givens — the minimum critical criteria — that are non-negotiable.
Navigating wisely calls upon us to hold some things dearly…hold many things loosely…and let go of many, many more things.
This is about learning and adapting: co-creating some new pathways and restoring some older ones that we’ve lost, to do a better job of fulfilling life-affirming purpose for more people — including ourselves.
Logical, linear reductionist reasoning and hard data appeals more to our left brain orientation — emphasized throughout the Industrial Age. Stories, narrative and warm data reflect more of our nonlinear creative right brain ways of making meaning. More than ever, given the complexity of interconnected systemic issues, we need more of our full human intelligences and capacities to navigate wisely with more balance and heartfelt spirit.
This article, Left…Right…Whole, builds on these themes and the work of Dr. Iain McGilchrist, The Matter With Things, and John Ehrenfeld, The Right Way to Flourish. Paradoxically, the ability to recognize the limits of our own knowledge, whereby we can say “I don’t know” and engage truly co-creatively resides in our right brain capacity.
“The right brain, individually and culturally (metaphorically), understands that we only capture a part of the complex world. Consequently it knows that when we act the outcomes are possibilities, not probabilities. We will always be faced with unintended consequences, but (a very big but) when we act out of care for the human and non-human world (right-hemisphere) we should do much less damage, and be able to repair some of the damage we have wrought.” ~ John Ehrenfeld
Being right is not and is (almost) never enough or sufficient. My being right is not of central importance, in the grander scheme of things. There are ways of knowing beyond my knowledge. There are truths beyond my or our horizons. I am more than my ideas and my thoughts at any given time. My thoughts and ideas can play an important role, for me and others…but I am more…
I am important enough. I am enough. And so are you! And so are the others with whom we dance…Together, we are potentially so much more…
There’s no lack of amazing, brilliant, creative people in the world. Way beyond prominent leaders and voices who gain recognition — many more are the unseen, unheard, unknown and undiscovered who are living and working in the shadows.
And no one of us is exempt from our existential messyhumanness — no matter who or where we are.
Learning how to collaboratively harness what we bring and learning-how-to-learn-together in ways that might collectively break through the hardest challenges — seems the biggest challenge of all. That humility and deep interconnectedness that is so often talked about— is part of the ongoing learning journey towards becoming congruent — more often than not. A way of being…
Dancing with Complexity. As we navigate through uncertainty. Challenging what we think we know. Ever-curious about what might become knowable. Embracing the inherent tension of what’s [not yet] knowable. Making peace with what’s unknowable. Accepting many ways of knowing. While some ways of knowing elude our [personal] grasp…not ours to own, we can trust that the knowing…is a collective emergent guiding life force illuminating the way forward.
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Footnote and afterthought: I began writing bits and pieces of this in 2020. I first published the article in the fall of 2021. Since then, I revisit and revise it regularly, adding observations, perspectives, quotes and links.
It has become a bit of a touchstone, with recurring themes that run like super-charged currents through everything. This living, breathing document keeps calling me back to unpack and understand our inherently tangled messy humanness. It paradoxically anchors me, kicks my butt and reminds me why I’m still steadfastly committed to this journey.
Reflecting again on our messy, uncertain, turbulent, divided, hopeful, anguished, sh*tty, beautiful world…seems like any time continues to be the right time to read it or circle back.
However we choose to navigate, our messy humanness is along for the ride. Perhaps these heart-centred thoughts can play a small role guiding and inspiring our intertwining collective efforts as we mindfully, painfully, joyfully live our way into a better world.
Unstitution, birthed as a collective creative commons and nested ecosystem, is my work-life-home-base where many efforts are cultivated. We (co-)catalyze collaborative communities, initiatives and coalitions where people from across sectors, disciplines, cultures, generations and walks-of-life work together on mission critical issues. From readiness through to regenerative progress, moving beyond polarisation — is how we roll. For more ideas and perspectives, our suite of articles at You are Unstitution cover many overlapping themes. They reflect a small sample of the ways we are adapting and contributing among ever-expanding commons-based communities and initiatives fuelled by citizens – perhaps better described as denizens – anywhere in the world — living into the principles and spirit that govern our collaborative work.
The links embedded throughout our articles are an invitation to go a bit deeper, at any time. I also post unstitutional themes on my LinkedIn http://linkedin.com/in/donna-nelham-65091145
