Intentional Orphan
I have a story no one wants to hear. Families should be places of unconditional love. Mothers should be nurturing and loving. But we need to get over the cultural myth that this is always the case.
The difficulty is that when you’re raised in a vat of toxicity, you don’t recognize toxic as toxic. Toxic is your normal. You don’t know how other families are because you only know your own. When I encountered families growing up through my social circle that were different, my parent often criticized and mocked their differences. If I liked anything about another home I quickly stuffed it because their family was misguided, ignorant, or less than. And who was I to argue?
After 40+ years, a marriage, and a family of my own I began to realize something wasn’t right. There were several factors, multiple events, and one day it was like a switch went off- I saw that my brain is wired wrong.
The smallest details occurred to me: I don’t have a favorite food, a favorite color. What kind of music do I like? These were questions I had asked my children on multiple occasions but never considered for myself. Because, as child I was never considered for myself. I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion, a feeling, or an experience outside of what was approved by my parent.
I spent weeks watching You Tube videos, reading books, and listening to podcasts about emotions, attachment, and family dynamics. I wrote down memories and experiences. Eventually I came as far as I could go on my own and I took the ultimate rebellious step: I scheduled an appointment with a therapist.
The day I scheduled the appointment I had my first panic attack. I kept hearing a voice in my head: “we don’t do this” “our family is no one else’s business” “you’re the problem, you just don’t want to accept it” “of course it would be you, you were always the difficult one, the oppositional one, the rebellious child”
I had never met with a therapist before. I didn’t know what to expect. We went through the usual introductions and then she asked me why I was there. I said I think I have some problems with my family of origin. With a deep breath and through clenched teeth I shared my first memory, my earliest memory, my most haunting memory. I expected to be dismissed. I expected to hear that’s not so bad. I expected to be told basically to go get a real problem. The therapist made eye contact with me, her eyes wide. I’ll never forget the words that followed, “that’s neglect”
Validation should feel good, right? It didn’t. Over a year later it still doesn’t. I made excuses, I made rationalizations, I down played the abuse and neglect. My therapist asked me why I did that. I didn’t know the terms cognitive dissonance and wasn’t really familiar with Stockholm syndrome at the time; I just knew that it felt wrong to have anyone besides myself to blame.
Leaving a toxic family is a lot like leaving a cult. There is a whole new vocabulary to learn: gaslighting, hoovering, smear campaign, blame shifting to name a few. The people who still live under the umbrella of the toxicity and believe the lies cannot see the truth. Unfortunately, I could not un-see it. I wanted to find a new normal with them. I didn’t want to have to walk away, and I still sometimes feel like a failure because I couldn’t make it work.
But I’m learning about boundaries. I’m learning what is my responsibility and what isn’t. And toxic people do not react well to these things. Some days I’m not sure if I walked away or I was shunned because I didn’t play their games. I’m still processing.
It’s been a longer journey than expected. I thought I was going to take a leisurely walk and I ended up training for a marathon.
So today I am choosing to see myself as an intentional orphan. I realize many will try and shame me for no longer having contact with my parents. I assure you it is an exercise in futility, there is no one more grieved or guilty about it than me. However, I am learning to trust myself, my intuition, my emotions. I am learning about neuroscience, energy and epigenetics. And I am at peace with my decision. I also believe there are many who will understand, maybe silently, but that is ok. Maybe my story that no one wants to hear will give you courage, affirmation, or validation.
For those of you with “normal” families, just know it’s ok if you don’t understand. But please don’t judge.
By the way, I like the color blue, Latin music, and Mexican food. I enjoy bird watching and petting my cat.
And I am an intentional orphan.
