Act Normal — The Revolving Doors Formula for Maintaining Your Cultural Identity

Our baby had just been born. He was our first-born child, less than a day old. The nurse who came on duty was surprised that we had not given him formula.

When we made it known that we wanted him to take nourishment from his mother before anything, the nurse rolled her eyes and left the room with a comment about how we would give him formula if we knew what was good for him. We were shocked at the way we felt when she said that. It was awful.

We had our own ideas about how we wanted things to go that did not jive with what the nurse expected. I think she expected to help us with everything, and for us to be happy with all of her help and do things her way. We didn’t want the help she offered, and there was no other choice.

We had not planned a hospital birth, but our family physician had surgical privileges at the local public hospital, so when the birth did not progress as we had hoped at home we arranged to have our boy there. With private insurance, and our own doctor, we did not come from the population of families usually served at the hospital. We felt special, but not in a good way.

We felt like who we were, and what we had hoped for our family wasn’t working out according to anyone’s expectations. It was then I remember first coming up with what has become a sort of family motto over the years. “Just act normal, and they’ll let us out of here.” The idea is that when nobody understands, it is best not to confuse things any further. Nod your head, be agreeable, blend in. We are still learning.

Notice the words and actions of the people working in the institutions and systems that serve your family. Acknowledge that you may need help that the people serving you do not have words for. Observe any reactions that you have, or the people serving you have, about your difference in expectations.

Recognize that you are the only one who can speak for the needs of your family. People working in systems and institutions that serve your family make suggestions that represent the standard of care may represent best practices developed using the scientific method, or the political interests of organizations they depend on to maintain their social legitimacy.

Respond by making an informed decision that best meets the needs of your family.

You are the only one with access to all the facts of your situation. The social, political, and scientific basis for any treatment offered is for you to consider. This does not mean you are special. It means you are responsible.

You will be the mother and father of your family forever. No institution or system has that staying power, no matter how powerful it may seem. You and countless other families pass through the revolving doors of the same systems, and institutions but you cannot have the same experience as any other family. Your children are counting on you to show up, and maintain the continuity of your cultural identity as a family. That’s normal.