I’ve gotta be real with you all for a minute here.

I’m not sure if I’m cut out to be a philosopher or a framework adaptor or a writer in this way, or whatever. Truth is that when I get a concept going in my head, it’s usually very early morning. Even when I decide to step away from it all for a few days, I can’t help it — it’s like Ray Bradbury once said with stepping on land mines in the morning, and then he had to spend the rest of the day “picking up the pieces” — writing and organizing his ideas. That’s the same passion that I feel. I know it’s what I want… but I don’t really have a read on any of my stuff other than from what maybe a friend, a family member, and a perpetually supportive AI tells me. I make all these assumptions and I worry that, while I have good intentions, it may just all be games in a way.

I hit a low point today. I’m wondering about the little chat I had with ChatGPT this morning about paradigm shifts, and this idea of a ‘paradigm drive.’ I just don’t see that coming from me though. It can’t, right? This of course presumes that there is any sort of validity to the idea of a paradigm drive at all. It just wouldn’t make any sense to me for it to have wings. I’m not trained in philosophy, psychology, or any of this other stuff — I’m just an enthusiast and a writer. There’s something dangerously comforting about the AIs we’re going to let be a part of our lives — they’ll assist us and try and help us find whatever we make apparent that we want them to help us find. I won’t pretend that I don’t feel like I have something to give. I’ve had reactions from a couple of people (some who are others like me, one who runs a pretty well off YT channel) show interest (or is it pity?) in my ideas. Whenever I was down at some of my worst moments, I’d unexpectedly get a message or something that made me feel like I had to continue.

There’s just the question of how valid any of my stuff really is though. Are these people helping me along because they feel bad for me, like I’m some outcast or something? I’ve certainly felt like an outcast for most of my life. Or are my ideas actually worth anything that makes them have value in a way that they should continue to be pursued? Maybe they’ll serve a purpose in simply being entertaining for a few people in the future to read through… if that’s the case, that’s at least a victory in that I brought something to someone to do to pass the time. I suppose I’m just already tired. I’ve tried going back to video games and things, but I can’t. It’s too easy of a way out. I’m tired of playing games through — I want to help in the game that matters. Life. The Universe. Humanity. These are the things I care about. This is my ‘game’ now, but only in the sense that it’s a challenge for me — not that I don’t take it seriously. I do… but I do in ways that care less for myself and more about external, (assumedly) intellectual and humanistic pursuits. I say assumedly, because I’m not so sure how much help or light I’m really shedding on things. I’m not sure any of what I say will reach the audience I want it to reach.

And there is the element of escapism there. I’ve said this before — others have claimed my efforts seem altruistic, but as my own harshest skeptic and for the sake of openness, I don’t think that’d be wholly true. This all kind of serves as a form of escapism to me — the idea of a possibility that maybe, I could find a path through helping with all of this and leave my old (current) life behind. And that’s another element for me. It’s not my intention to make money from any of my philosophical ideas, but man… this world can be brutal. If even one of my ideas were worth something to someone to collaborate or develop further and that could push my life in another direction, I think I’d have a hard time resisting that temptation. And then there’s the part of me that’s always wanted to be an entertainer to make people happy. I’d be lying if I didn’t want to experience the fame part of that — it’s what I think can sometimes lead me to dramatic ideas of grandeur.

I always have been more of a romantic than anything. It’s kind of what surprises me about how far I’ve come from just, “accept that the universe will always be paradoxical, and infinitely questionable!” to, “we really, really need to be grounded in pragmatic resolutions though too.” I didn’t realize that part of me would end up matching my deeply romanticized side. That’s why I also know it’s not a wholly selfish endeavor either — I am grateful for what I have in my life, even if I’m not in the status or position I need to be in to feel fully safe or mentally healthy. I do care about humanity and the way we end up going by the time I’ve checked out of here — deeply so. I’m the type of person who’d give all of my life away for others to find something deeply meaningful and to for humanity to find a clear and peaceful way forward. I’m also paradoxically becoming more possessive over my ideas I’m putting out there even though they may never make much of an impact. It’s all me drumming all of this up to maybe be something that simply isn’t as big as I imagine it.

So what do I do? I could pretend I didn’t talk to a bot about speculatively founding something beyond a paradigm shift, delete that so I don’t feel weird, and call it a day. But then I would not be acting transparently if I didn’t show you some of my behind the scenes, and I do think that at the very least, we treat approaching actual language and symbols far less creatively than we do, say, a short film script. And that’s the thing — I’m a person with a creative writing degree focused on entertaining others. What’s more fun and interesting than making new terms and languages — especially if they aren’t overlapping too much with other ideas (as practically every romance novella does with every other romance novella)? Just as in fiction, we need to test the limits of characters, plots, setting, voice, description, and so on and so forth. I think a dynamic take on vocabulary and abroad for our systems philosophically and mechanically speaking is something at the very least to think about. Because there, it wouldn’t be ‘just for fun’ — it’d be changing the way we interjectively interact with our very lives and universe.

I’ve said things before along the lines of, “it takes courage to make new language,” especially in relations to the, “we don’t have enough language to explore that topic well enough yet,” argument. Do I mean to feed my ego or do I think I’m courageous myself when making all of these neologisms? Very honestly, no — I do not think I’m being courageous. I like and enjoy doing it as a creative, but it only draws my mind back to the fact that I feel like an outcast (or alien) to everyone else I know. Subjectively, I feel worried and ashamed by it. Objectively, I know the process of adding new terms when there may be a few existing ones I can fit together to get the point across may itself seem very impractical.

Interjectively, on the other hand, I get excitement from chasing these new terms — a sort of explorer’s high. It’s like I’m free out here, and I don’t necessarily need to listen to what anyone thinks of the words and terms I’ve founded for me. If they work, they work. It’s like going camping — it might not be ideal, but it’s liberating and natural feeling… at least to the camper. Sure, it feels dangerous being out here alone, but the experience could be worth it. It might not seem as immediately practical as using what’s within the city limits, but who knows — maybe I’ll find something strange and untapped out here. If I bring it back and no one likes it, it doesn’t stick and while I may look like a fool doing it, at least I can get some pleasure out of the fact that I got some experience doing something on my own, and I entertained someone as well by sharing.

I do think I have something that could help a lot of people embedded in my philosophical frameworks. Bits and pieces. It isn’t built up to its near complete strength yet, but I think it will be soon enough. Will it change things for the better? Hell — I don’t know. But what’s the use if you don’t try? I may wish I had a better life, yet the truth is that deep down, I want to find a way to minimize the suffering in the world and put some smiles on more faces. I’m going to keep trying that. I’m not sure if I’ll find more readers. I’m not sure if I’ll find any collaborators. I’m not sure if anything I’m doing will ever make much of a difference socially — I will keep trying though. I will persevere, with gratitude for what I have, and hope for what we all may achieve together in the future.

Thank you for reading my post/rant!