Tales From The South, Part 2: Redneck Travelling Kit, Big Red Trucks, And The Clampetts Go To Canada.
Last week I began a three-part series on Tales from the South, in which I recall some of my fondest, and craziest, stories of the eighteen months I spent living in Texas.
This week I’ll begin with a road trip and the Redneck Travelling Kit.
I needed to travel back to Australia for a few weeks and the Cowboy offered to take me on a road trip to see some places that I had been dying to see before I flew out. She owned a “Rapid Red” 2017 Ford F-350 monstrosity which I nicknamed the ‘Red Menace’. Despite the fact that the gas costs would be astronomical, she wanted to go on the road with her big redneck truck as opposed to the more gas-friendly Cadillac. I couldn’t understand this seemingly illogical choice and asked her why.
“I just feel more ready for trouble in my truck.”
“What trouble?” I asked.
“In case someone wants to mess with me?” she replied as if it were a given.
“The only reason someone would want to mess with you is if you act like an asshole,” I said, “and you’re going to be on your best behaviour, aren’t you?” I asked as if she was a child, which effectively, she was most of the time.
“Yes ma’am,” she said with a smile, “but you never know.”
And there it was; the redneck anthem, ‘you never know’, second only to, ‘hold my beer and watch this!’ I had zero intentions of bailing her out of jail if she decided to smash into someone that ticked her off.
We loaded up the truck with luggage, snacks, and a collection of items that I aptly named ‘the redneck travelling kit’ which included: a small American flag, water, ‘wake up pills’, coffee, and a phone app that told her where the ‘poh-leece’ were. Now in all fairness and complete transparency, the American flag and coffee were my contributions to the mixed bag. The ‘wake up pills’ were named such by the Cowboy and were methamphetamines, legally prescribed through the VA (Veteran’s Affairs).
She had an entire pharmacy of other drugs kindly provided by Uncle Sam; there were pills to wake you up, pills to put you to sleep in a near coma, pills to take away the pain from your childhood, and pills to cure just about any organ in your body which basically destroyed them instead. She was a regular travelling drugstore! A radar detector topped off the bizarre collection of items as it went everywhere with the Cowboy and was perfectly legal in the good old US of A.
This is how we embarked on our road trip; stopping, of course, at Buc-ee’s, the most famous gas station and convenience store chain in the great state of Texas. Whilst the Cowboy believed that the restrooms were the most impressive feature of the franchise, it was the quantity of gas pumps that astounded me the most.
Having lived in Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa, where things are a little more understated, I had never seen rows and rows of pumps on that scale before.
Each Buc-ee’s also had a convenience store that could rival a small warehouse. Shelves and displays were filled with snacks and beverages containing enough sugar to render the ‘wake up pills’ null and void, as well as branded merchandise for any home decorating or clothing needs, outdoor furniture, and potentially a do-it-yourself rocket ship. I wandered through the aisles mesmerized by the sheer volume and range of goodies, and then loaded myself back into the truck and on we went.
The road trip took us through New Orleans and Baton Rouge and up to my holy land — Nashville. From there we wound our way up to Toronto where I would catch a flight back to Western Australia. We were about four days into the trip when I committed an absolute no-no; I insulted the Cowboy’s truck.
Now, there is an unspoken rule in the South that you never speak ill of a redneck’s truck.
She was immensely proud of the Red Menace which had a ridiculously long bed and a dually (pronounced ‘dooley’), which for those of you not well versed in truck terminology, means that there are four rear wheels instead of two and causes a rather unflattering ‘wide ass’ aesthetic on these beasts. I thought the feature was ugly and expressed it in answer to her question, “what do you think of my truck?” A small caveat here; I believe that if you think that you might not like the answer to a question, don’t ask it! The Cowboy, thinking that her truck was the most beautiful thing on “these here city roads,” asked me anyway.
“You’re lucky that I like you so much or else I’d leave you on the side of the road,” she said after my less than favourable response, her expression one of utter disbelief.
As I said… question asked, question answered.
During our time in Toronto, we decided to check out the city which meant getting the Red Menace into a parking space that was not designed for big-ass redneck trucks! Getting into the parking garage proved far easier than getting out! The slow exit required us to work together as we navigated the narrow lanes and obstacles, resembling a scene from “The Clampetts go to Canada.”
With the Cowboy driving very slowly and me sitting on the passenger’s side window sill, feet on the seat and torso out the window as I held the bee-sting aerial down so it wouldn’t get hooked on the black metal bars that limited vehicle height, I guided her out of the garage. There were a series of hazard lights on the roof of the truck and I had to make sure that both these and the roof remained unscratched by the low hanging bars as we inched towards the exit. I breathed a sigh of relief when we finally moved past the last potential hazard and began the steep ascent towards freedom, fully aware that there had been a few millimeters between success and a very angry Cowboy. I slid back into my seat with a loud belly laugh as we emerged into the daylight, but one look over at the unamused Cowboy and I hushed up pretty quickly.
You can take the redneck out of Texas but you can’t take Texas out of the redneck!
The Lonestar Clampetts managed to survived our time in Canada and a few days later I headed off for the Land Downunder, leaving a very sad Cowboy behind awaiting my return.
Tune in next week for the final installment of my delicious Southern Adventures.
