Afraid of my ability to be mean.

I have so many thoughts after talking with A. One especially about the comment that I made to L, and the idea that I said it in the way that I did to assert dominance because I felt vulnerable or small or something. It really makes me think of D. He has treated us like crap for years — always aiming to make us feel small. I bet it is what his dad did to him. My comment to L was unnecessary, although not particularly mean, it was in an attempt to gain power.

I keep thinking back to when Z was crying with me this summer and he said “D has a talent for making you hate yourself.” I never want to do that to people. The problem is, I can. I despise that I’m capable of it, however, it’s how I survived I think.

I’m good at hurting others to protect myself. That makes my stomach hurt a bit. It makes me afraid a bit too to be around people. I know I need to slow my reaction time down between and event and how I respond — a trigger emotion [hurt, vulnerability, betrayal] and when I jump into self-protection. I don’t know how I’m going to do that. But I don’t want to become for someone else, what my dad was to me growing up. I don’t want to cause pain. I don’t want to crush anyone the way he has crushed me. I can’t, but unfortunately I can.

This ability to hurt others has been weighing on me — heavier and heavier for a while, probably since C. It’s been almost suffocating; restricting; isolating? No, not isolating. It’s scary though. I don’t think I could continue living if I ever realized that I hurt anyone as much as I have been hurt by my dad. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself. I don’t think I would want to forgive myself.

I don’t want to hurt people and I don’t want to be hurt. However, pain is inevitable in relationships isn’t it? Pain is part of relationships? Anyway, I hurt people even when I choose to not be in relationships and I hurt myself when I disconnect out of fear, because I miss out on opportunities to have healthy relationships which are necessary to a healthy life.

So basically, I feel like I’m screwed either way unless I learn how to control this fear response (?) Vulnerability response (?) Pain avoidance (?) Learn how it developed and then how to slow it down and change the behavior. I’m so tired of this.

I keep thinking about the year that Lauren basically screened all of my emails for me between me and the counseling center because I was so hurt and felt so vulnerable — I also became very mean/critical in expressing my feelings and needs. I would write out what I wanted to say and then Lauren would “nice-ify” it. This was of course, after, I sent an email to D… I’m thinking now back to my relationships with the clinicians at the counseling center. Gosh — I feel really confused.. I feel like I should distrust my feelings and reactions to things, but then where does that leave me? Where then do I end up in this world? How should I navigate life like that? How can I navigate life like that? Not trusting my perception at all. It makes me nervous just thinking about. It also makes me wonder why anyone would trust me or take any of my emotions or reactions to anything seriously.

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