Monty Python for Millennials

CUSTOMER: This content is dead.

SHOPKEEPER: No it’s not, it’s resting.

CUSTOMER: Resting? Now look here, I clicked on this content not two minutes ago and was assured by your headline that I would receive, and I quote, “6 Reasons Why Topanga from Boy Meets Word Will Always Be Your Biggest TV Crush.”

SHOPKEEPER: Lovely headline.

CUSTOMER: Lovely it may be. But having secured my click, your article, far from delivering any thoughtful or humorous insights into Ms. Topanga’s unique appeal, simply put forth a few lines of predictable drivel about how attractive the actress is. I won’t stand for this claptrap!

SHOPKEEPER: Well she is pretty.

CUSTOMER: Of course she’s pretty — any 19-year-old blogger could tell me that! The observation that she’s good-looking does not itself constitute “content.” This article has passed on! It has ceased to be! It’s lifeless, intelligence-insulting, tenth-rate clickbait of the lowest order! This is ex-content!

SHOPKEEPER: I’ll have to replace it then. How does “4 Cats in Sweaters” sound?

*

KING ARTHUR: Who are you?

KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say… TWEE!

ALL KNIGHTS: Twee! Twee! Twee!

KING ARTHUR: No, not the Knights Who Say Twee!

KNIGHT: The same. We are the keepers of the sacred word Twee, as well as every Wes Anderson film. We also enjoy Zooey Deschanel and the Juno soundtrack, and sometimes we ride around on those cute Dutch bicycles.

ALL KNIGHTS: Twee! Twee! Bicycles! Twee!

KING ARTHUR: Oh knights, we are but simple travelers who wish to pass through this neighborhood to the coffee shop that lies beyond it.

KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say TWEE demand a sacrifice.

KING ARTHUR: What is it you want?

KNIGHT: We want… a shrubbery!

ALL KNIGHTS: Twee! Twee! Shrubbery! Twee! Jason Schwartzman!

KING ARTHUR: A shrubbery? Like the ones at the florist across the street, between the Trader Joe’s and the co-op art gallery?

KNIGHT: Those will do.

*

CUSTOMER: Hello, I want to have a Facebook debate. Is this the right room?

EMPLOYEE: I’ve told you once.

CUSTOMER: Sorry, I’m afraid you haven’t.

EMPLOYEE: Yes I have.

CUSTOMER: No you haven’t.

EMPLOYEE: Yes I have.

CUSTOMER: Wait, you’re just contradicting me!

EMPLOYEE: No I’m not.

CUSTOMER: Yes you are! A Facebook debate isn’t just contradiction. It’s a series of increasingly impassioned, poorly informed statements — bolstered by the occasional article which may or may not have any relevance at all — that rapidly lose sight of the initial topic and instead devolve into heated personal attacks.

EMPLOYEE: No it isn’t.

*

[MAN does a “silly walk” along sidewalk.]

PASSERBY: Why are you walking in such a silly way?

MAN: I enjoy iPhones and interacting with my favorite brands!

*

CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy some cheese.

SHOPKEEPER: Wonderful. What would you like, sir?

CUSTOMER: Four ounces of organic bleu, please.

SHOPKEEPER: I’m afraid we’re out of the organic variety, sir.

CUSTOMER: Pity. How are you on farm-to-table mozzarella?

SHOPKEEPER: Sorry, we only have the factory farm kind left.

CUSTOMER: No matter. In that case, I’ll take a quarter-wedge of goat cheese, from a goat that has never been administered artificial hormones or experienced pain of any kind.

SHOPKEEPER: Normally we’d have that. Today the hybrid van broke down.

*

MAN: I didn’t expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition.

[Three cardinals burst in the door.]

CARDINAL #1: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is fear. Fear and surprise. Our two chief weapons are fear and surprise, and a wide social media footprint on which to share each confession we obtain. Three weapons! Fear, surprise, a wide social media footprint on which to share each confession we obtain, and intense nostalgia for the Ninja Turtles — I’ll come in again.

[The cardinals leave.]

MAN: I didn’t expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition.

[The cardinals burst back in.]

CARDINAL #1: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such various elements as fear, surprise, a wide social media footprint on which to share each confession we obtain, the word “amazeballs” — oh damn! I was so close… Cardinal, you have to say it.

CARDINAL #2: What?

CARDINAL #1: You have to say the part about what our weapons are.

CARDINAL #2: No, I couldn’t possibly —

CARDINAL #1: You have to.

[The cardinals leave.]

MAN: … I didn’t expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition.

[The cardinals burst back in.]

CARDINAL #2: Nobody, uh, nobody expects the, um, Spanish Inquisition. In fact those who do expect the —

CARDINAL #1 (whispering): Our chief weapons are…

CARDINAL #2: Our chief weapons, eh, you see, are fear, uh, surprise, and, um, a somewhat large following on Twitter, Twitter being an important tool that we, uh —

CARDINAL #1: Oh that’s enough! Cardinal, read the charges.

CARDINAL #3: You are hereby charged with not owning any mason jars.

MAN: Beg your pardon, is that a crime?

CARDINALS (diabolically): Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

CARDINAL #1: Yes. Get some or we’ll torture you. For realsies.

Written by River Clegg.

Previously published here.

Like what you read? Give inutile a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.