i don’t think i was often forced to face my fears and insecurities. i too, was raised in a world and society that defined me by how much i had accomplished. a culture that defined me by how well i have accomplished it. and i find myself not being able to help but compare myself to what others have, what others have done. seeing myself in light not of what jesus has done, but in light of what i cannot be, what i cannot do.

i think deep down i know that i’ll likely never become someone great in the eyes of the world. i’ll never reach the heights of splendor, i’ll never possess the world in my hand. i’ll never build that empire or kingdom, i’ll never realize the dreams of many. but i like to play pretend. pretend that i can, or at least trick others into thinking that i can or have.

it’s really moments like this where jesus’ words need to ring loudly, but end up drowning in the chatter, the glamor, the noise of the world. blessed at the meek for they shall inherit the earth. what good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit the soul. can i have both?

what does taking up my cross mean, as a pastor, as a christian, as a child of God.

i feel ashamed that i’ve bought into the lies of the world. and i remember even in new york, there was a part of me that believed that i was better.

i wish my sadness was for the right reasons. reasons of justice, of righteousness, of love, of mercy, of grace. but it’s not. it’s sadness of regret and fear, anxiety and shame. because i believe that being a child of God, being heirs to an eternal promise is not enough for me.

i guess i also don’t know your heart. will you be able to live this type of life with me? a type of life that is only striving for what you already have. a type of life that only contains glimmers, glimmers of the world that once was but may never be again.