Extreme vetting & Caligula’s assassination: a guide.

Vetting as Wikipedia will tell you (& anyone with an internet connection) is a term which originated in European horse-racing. But do not trust me so glibly, go check it and return. But leave the browser open so it seems like you are paying attention. Before races horses were often checked. Customary checks for all animals equine are a glance at teeth and hooves. Even someone who has never ridden a horse but is familiar with common idiom will know to look at the horse’s mouth just as a human’s is a good indicator of what racing types call form. Unless the horse is a gift horse. All gift horses except for trojan horses are not up for exam. Similarly only people as turgid in wit as a bottle of viscous shite as they said in Ireland where I was raised would not think of looking at the feet (or hooves as they are technically termed) and legs of a racing animal. We Irish are a horse loving people and so when the queen of our cherished minority visited our republic or free state in 2013 she was treated to a session at the stud. That is the name for places where horses breed.

HM Queen Elizabeth 1 at the Irish National Stud during her state visit to Ireland 2013, the horse is rearing so she may inspect its junk — this we consider to be intimate vetting.

So far so good- our vetting is rudimentary and thus far calls for no veterinarian professional to be present or even great honed skill, being really very smart or experienced. Those who know and ride horses quickly realise that they are sentient animals with feelings and mammalian (as opposed to reptilian) skin. They have expressions. A lacklustre face for example is associated with rheumy eyes and indicates a horse which is feeling knackered and not up for racing furlongs. The skin of a horse should after pinching return to its previous shape and texture within seconds. In the past scurrilous types painted horses in an attempt to give the shine one associates with health. It is utterly shocking what people did in the past with horses to win races. In modern times horses have been drugged. Drugs as well as common horse illnesses such as colic can quite often be detected in a general sense if not specifics by looking upon they eye. The pupils should not be dilated for example. Indeed seeing the whites of a horse’s eye is just as scary as seeing it froth around the mouth. Both those are bad signs. really really terrible disgusting signs. disgusting.

Although it might seem customary to check nostrils for drug use, the horse’s nose is more an indication of pulmonary health than anything else. Standing in front of the horse one should assure oneself or whomever is paying you that air enters and is later discharged uniformly from each nostril. Equine breathing is steady and constant when the animal is at rest. The body should expand in size uniformly on both sides. If the animal is stressed such as a human under waterboarding then you might read another article. Horse’s breath should smell sweet. This is a result of their diet. It is essential that anyone caring for a horse & called upon to vet a horse should check its ordure. This is another word for the crap which comes out its bottom. Please do not touch the horse’s bottom. Vetting is an important part of care, and indeed gets the animal used to being handled and touched. A little bit like a good back rub after a session of electrodes, it enables trust. So you can hear things you believe from the horse’s mouth.

this horse would only race with the four horsemen of the apocalypse who as any Christian fundamentalist know are not actually mentioned in the text. For all we know (we who are yet to be saved) the horsemen could go into armageddon on golfing buggies.

Horses’ stable or lodgings are vitally important to their health. Horses which are stressed will often chew upon their environment. An angry horse will kick. Be careful of angry horses. This is when vets use ketamine. If you do not know what ketamine is read another article. I have lots. Be patient. The diet of a horse is in case I have not thus far mentioned it, very very important. Do not feed your horse sugar. Horses do not really eat carrots either. Horses are measured in a unit called hands. This is because in olden times most people around horses had the same width of hand. We standardise this unit today at about 1.016dm or if you are good at metric 10.16cm or if you are really smart 101.6mm. That is 4 inches give or take. The breadth of any hand taken from palm to thumb which is less than 4 inches or 0.1016metres is a small hand. This is terrible and no good for measuring horses. Anyone who has a hand which less than 4 inches probably says it is 0.1016 metres. We call such comparative measures alternative facts.

This man is not measuring the horse from hoof to withers, as the shoulders are known, he is feeding it a carrot. Observe how the horse is not having any of it.

Caligula is the common name for one of the Julio-Claudian house of emperors or caesars of Rome. His real name was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus he was Roman emperor from AD 37–41. Born Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus, he was the third emperor of Rome. His nickname Caligula was a diminutive given him by his great uncle and later adopted father the emperor Tiberius (the Caesar in the bible at the time of baby Jesus). Caligula meant “little boots”. Tiberius used the little boy as a mascot. Caligula succeeded his adopted father by murdering him. This is was a great thing to do in his own eyes. Most other people thought Caligula to be very mad. Insane Caligula they called him if they were out of earshot. The 1970s saw Penthouse (the wank magazine company) team up with a respected really really great Italian porn director to make a feature length movie about his life. Peter O Toole played Tiberius and Malcolm Mc Dowell played the eponymous role. Caligula both the emperor and the movie have by some historians been the victim of bad media. Debate still ensures to the achievements of his tenure as Caesar and also of the motivation for some of his appointments.

emperor Tiberius was made up to appear syphilitic an odd irony for a porn cosmetic artist and a striking inaccuracy, slaves and illegal migration had not brought syphilis from the Americas to Europe in the first century common era.

Some say the decision to appoint his horse Incitatus as consul of Rome was clear proof of his utter mindfk insanity. Others however thing he was sinply inciting or provoking a reaction, consul was after all a honorary position. Caligula as divine emperor needed no advice or counsel, consul or ministers. But he did need guards. & so it was the Caligula went down in history as the first emperor of Rome to be assassinated by his own very special team of guys called the Praetorian guard. Through history 13 emperors would be taken out by the Praetorian guard. Often because one of the Praetorian guard thought they would make a better emperor than the insane fucktard on the throne.

Sometimes they did.

Sometimes they didnt.

here endeth the lesson with a repeat of that picture of her majesty Queen Elizabeth of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and northern Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, dominions and realms beyond on her first wonderful state visit to my home state of Ireland inspecting a horse’s junk.