I went to a coding bootcamp, got really sick and failed..
As a child, I have always been interested in computers and tech; despite interests, though, I followed a different path academically. Still, that interest remained to the point that next to my studies, I tried to teach myself how to code. As an autodidact, the main issue I faced back then is wanting to teach myself too many things at once.
And as a result of that, I got to know the basics of different programming languages, but not enough to make — in my opinion — something relevant or impressive.
Thus to better myself and focus on one thing rather than multiple things at once; I decided to follow the advice of two people I met at a workshop I have attended some time ago. Their advice was to attend this coding bootcamp in Amsterdam, of which they were both graduates.
So short story, even shorter; I went through the application process, got accepted and started attending Codaisseur.
Codaisseur is this small company that offers these accelerated courses that shape you into a junior developer in just two months. For the next two months from 9.00 to 18.00 me, together with a couple of other people followed the provided reader like it was our bible.
During those months my routine was as follows;
- wake up in the morning
- shower
- breakfast
- get ready
- walk to the station (in the Hague)
- take the train; most of the time one that’s sufficiently early that if there’s a delay — which let’s face it, travelling with NS, most of the time happens anyways — I’d still arrive on time (if you don’t believe me, ask anyone in the Netherlands about their opinion on the NS)
- arrive at Amsterdam
- take the tram
- walk into a classroom in which I will remain behind my Mac until 12.30 (lunch break)
- get back to it
- I usually left sometime between 18.00 and 19.00 and proceeded to make my way home again. On the train, I sometimes tried going over the material we had earlier that day, and finish what I hadn’t. And proceed to take a look at what we’ll be doing the next day
- get home
- dinner
- sleep — if I was having issues sleeping, I’d watch coding tutorials online until I’d fall asleep
- repeat
The routine was pretty much that; not anything else because there simply wasn’t any time left to do other things.
I quickly realised that this would be harder than I expected, and it was. It was also the thing I’ve worked the hardest for in my life. I wanted this, I needed this because my goal for 2017 was to land my first job in the tech industry.
But as the course progressed, I noticed how my body was so out of balance with my brain. The simplest way I can put it is when you feel 200% mentally exhausted and physically you’re just fine, ready to run a marathon. And the further you go with the course, the more out of balance you get. Before Codaisseur, I have never experienced that before and I spent countless nights in a row depriving myself of sleep, working on projects, reports and memorandums for “traditional school”.
One of the first things I remember thinking was “this is a psychological test” and that feeling never went away. And as we reached the last week, it’s like “this is impossible, it’s inhumane”.
Codaisseur’s curriculum, in comparison to other coding bootcamps around here, is designed to keep you out of your comfort zone. Yet most people out of my batch passed. And I think that I would’ve too if I hadn’t made a huge mistake.
Right now you might be wondering
“Huh, what type of mistake can be so huge that caused her to fail the bootcamp then?”
Not only was the mistake I made huge, but it was stupid as well.
And it is something I am guilty of doing my entire life.
“I. ignored. what. my. body. had. to. say…”
See, I am this person that just keeps going, regardless of anything, and I don’t usually allow myself rest as a compensation for all the hard work.
I started off Codaisseur when I was already going through a burnout period; in fact, the longest one I have experienced so far. I simply didn’t allow myself to recover and just tried to jump into this new thing — which I won’t lie, started out just fine. But as time progressed, everything kinda went to shit for me. At some point, on one of those days, when I was on the train heading home, I started feeling so sick and confused to the point where I got off to transfer and left my things on it. Luckily, I was able to get back on and recover them before the train left. When I arrived at the Hague, I just couldn’t find my way home and I had to call my partner so she could guide me.
My head was spinning in a way I’ve never felt before, it felt like my head was divided up into different sections and each section was spinning crazily in its own distinct randomised pattern. My speech was slurred, I had terrible migraines, I had a fever, I felt very sensitive to light and sound and I felt lots of pressure in my head. I was sure that this was going to have a drastic impact, but I still wouldn’t allow myself some rest.
To me, proper resting is when you can take your mind completely off of everything for an extended period of time. I have never been able to do that; as a ponderer that still gets affected by some of the pressures of society, I find myself being a slave to my own mind even when I am asleep. It feels like torture sometimes knowing that most people around me don’t give things extra thought and just go with the flow. My brain is simply not wired that way, I am someone that spends most of the time thinking, analysing things in order to become better.
After that initial attack of what I can only describe as my brain literally breaking into pieces, I had a couple more attacks.
I made sure to notify Codaisseur, most people were understanding and showed lots of empathy. That gave me some sort of strength to continue. I got diagnosed with Ménière’s disease and had to take pills a couple of times a day in order to mitigate my symptoms. I had tons of appointments with doctors, specialists etc and had many tests that had to be done on my head (yes, I felt like a lab rat).
Eventually, despite my efforts, I would still fail my final individual assignment.
I felt it coming, I knew I was going to fail that last assignment, but after actually failing, my depression really kicked in and it sucked for a while despite being invited for a recourse. I could join the next batch and start right away and that is exactly what I did, but only for a couple of days because my body just succumbed.
That was one of the most frustrating feelings ever, I wanted to continue and use that previously gained knowledge to my advantage. It made me feel defeated, hopeless and useless for weeks and right away I could feel my depression knocking on the door (I have suffered from depression since before I was a five-year-old — more on that in the future).
But I wasn’t going to let failure keep me down; my mistake became the reason why I wrote this. Maybe someone out there is or will be going through the same soon.
So I thought to myself, why not make this a learning experience and write about it?
Eventually, when writing this, I started looking at the whole thing from a brighter perspective. The most important thing is that I still managed to learn a lot despite being sick and that I did not throw in the towel. I am really proud of myself for keeping up with others that were not experiencing any conditions at that time.
It was overall a tremendously great experience and is something that I would recommend to pretty much anyone interested in coding regardless of what level they consider themselves at because there’s always something to learn.
If reading the above makes you excited, and you know you won’t make stupid mistakes like the ones I made, then feel free to check Codaisseur’s website, and apply if it’s something for you.
And while you’re at it, check out this other article I have written, in which I give some tips and advice on how to survive a bootcamp and dealing with burnout or other exhaustion symptoms it might bring with it.
Thank you for reading! If you have any questions, remarks or just want to get in touch feel free to say something.
