Straddling Two Worlds
exploring the relationship between parents and children of immigration
The stuff no one dares to talk about when it comes to the struggles of immigration is the socio-cultural and generational divide that gradually widens between immigrant parents and their children. For me, that was and still is, the hardest truth of being a daughter of old-school, Eastern European parents with deep-seated socialist ideals which while I’m sure make up a large part of who I am as a person, are nonetheless fundamentally incongruent with the values I’ve acquired as someone who has been a Canadian for twenty-four years.
There is a kind of unspoken duality that manifests itself amongst immigrant children. It’s the phenomenon of seeing oneself both as an outsider looking in and a rightful citizen of this country. I would say it’s an identity crisis that can feel simultaneously endearing and isolating. It is often a lonely experience for everyone involved, to be stuck in this perpetual psychological and ideological tug of war between immigrant parents and children. Everyone, the kids in particular, are pulled in a million directions constantly struggling to win the generational battle. What’s worse is this eerie sensation of continual familial alienation due to conflicting interests and the desire to be understood. From there, come an array of unwarranted verbal jabs, vague accusations along with a healthy dose of old-world Jewish guilt-tripping. Dad: “I sacrificed so much, and for what?” Mom: “You are my life and now, you don’t need me anymore.” The explanation is both complex and quite simple. We have gone from a socialist value system where the other is fundamental to the collective survival, to a society where personal autonomy and self reliance is key.
The dilemma of place and belonging from my experience, is tremendously difficult on immigrant parents who despite having made their choice, cannot or refuse to accept their new reality but more importantly the reality that growing up in an entirely new way of life has had on their children. I’m referring of course, to the inevitable shift in perspective, social customs and lifestyle choices that an immigrant child has to embrace in order to be seen as a Canadian. At the same time it is a great burden for us kids to have to straddle both worlds all the while understanding full well the weight we carry. All this, in a futile attempt to hold on to the way things were, to acknowledge and validate the parental struggle for relevance and to somehow lessen the ever widening emotional rift between parents and children.
As a result one experiences a sense of loss. Loss of self, loss of emotional fulfillment and equilibrium and a loss of the kind of centrality that can only be attained through a healthy, supportive familial foundation. There is a kind of dissolution of identity where as a child one is existing in a kind of personal and emotional limbo with a sense of never really having reached the sought after social standing in either worlds. According to Dr. Audrey Kobayashi, a cultural geography professor “Sometimes they express their conflict by asserting their Canadian-ness, other times they express it by talking about how they feel excluded,” said Kobayashi. Professor Kobayashi’s statement couldn’t be truer. I’ve been a Canadian for twenty-four years. I’m a university educated woman who is married to an amazing Canadian man. I’m know myself to be quite entrenched in the Canadian culture and way of life. Even so, I often can’t help but feel a kind of duality when it comes to my identity and sense of self. I am constantly torn between my old world values, the personal strain caused by the demands of being a daughter of immigration and the success story I owe to myself today.
Having said that, even as a thirty-seven year old woman, I am someone who is extremely sensitive to others’ negative emotions, pensions for control and manipulation. Thus even as an adult, I find myself working overtime to avoid conflict that results from familial background struggles and disagreements. That in itself causes perpetual inner agony and unrest. As consequence of this I begin to resent what seems like parental unwillingness to understand what it’s like to grow up Canadian, to validate my experience as both their daughter and an individual. Their refusal to put themselves in my shoes in turn, rubs me of the desire to open up fully about the person I have become. It’s extremely difficult to keep meeting imposed “expectations” when it comes to discussions on interpersonal relationships, personal and academic objectives and socialization. I continually rebel against being held hostage to my parents will. At the same time, I feel a nagging responsibility to let them know that I do understand and acknowledge their desire to preserve a sense of home and hold on to our heritage. However these types of stagnated emotions only lead to depression and anxiety, squashing my drive for self actualization and achievement.
I strongly believe that is it up to the parents to find ways to manage cultural expectations in lieu of the fact that their children are going to be exposed to Canadianisms, both socially, academically and otherwise. Failure to implement alternative influential strategies and their insistence on unquestionable obedience will lead to the inevitable dissolution of respect and and authority. These pensions for control, as I’ve mentioned earlier, stand in complete opposition to Canadian values whereby personal autonomy and individualization are fundamental to one’s sense of self. Moreover, I insist that it falls on the parents to find a viable resolution to potential conflict. Particularly given that doing so can serve as a path towards their own self-actualization and fulfillment. Choosing the right strategy is equally crucial in allowing their children the room they need to grow. Kobayashi also adds, “immigrant children, are in the middle of a complex relationship with the Canadian society that features both opportunity and racism, and their parents, who offer guidance but are themselves struggling to deal with cultural change. This period of being stuck in the middle is, in fact, a “Canadian experience” of its own, Kobayashi said. It’s not relegated to those considered by some to be “non-Canadians” or “others.”
This complex relationship that Kobayashi is referring to; this sense of being stuck in the middle is in part the product of a mutual need to find common ground and find a strategy which best acknowledges the other. To that effect, conflict between parents and children ultimately does not offer a viable resolution to the existing intercultural dilemma. Instead it adds fuel to the fire stifling the development of a stronger bond between two generations which both parties crave.
It is imperative that parents understand, that our sense of heritage cannot be taken away from us. It is part of our DNA, making the very idea of home, integral to who we are as people. That is why parents cannot pummel the “home” into us. Home, you see, is much more than a place; it’s a feeling.