Razors And Pizza

When it comes to physical beauty — female and male — I think people need to have great facial bone structure and clear skin in order to qualify. If you have zits and other blemishes right now though, that’s okay. You’re not really vying for anything important, just my appreciation. And I’m not a beauty pageant judge or anything like that.

My opinion of your looks doesn’t really matter, unless: a) you’re the kind of person who needs to be admired by everybody, b) you’re interested in having a relationship with me (in which case, I advise you to forget it since I’m happily married), c) you’re interested in one of my children (this is for the future, when they’re old enough to consider having a relationship), or d) I’m hiring you to model for our business (yeah, we haven’t gotten to that point yet).

In any case, a good bone structure carries your looks. You know how contouring is a huge word in make-up application these days? Well, that’s not going to be necessary with a great facial structure. You can show your face totally unmade-up and it will still look contoured.

What about the guys though? One of the yummiest things out there, for instance, is a razor-sharp jawline. I remember hanging out at a popular burger joint with a couple of friends in college. One of them, A, was indulging in some melodramatic venting about her latest beau woe. She was chronically brokenhearted and depressed, so my other friend B and I were quite bored by it all but also resolute about being supportive. That determination seriously flagged when a gorgeous hunk of a stud strolled past our table. B and I forgot about listening and got busy ogling the guy. When A whined that we weren’t paying attention, B snapped at her, “Get over yourself and get a load of that jawline. You can totally slit your wrist on that.” I rest my case about bone structure.

Skin quality is also very important. In grade school, we had a substitute music teacher named Mr. Gillespie. Now that I think about it, he had the same hair as Ben Stiller in The Marc Pease Experience. His face technically was loads cuter than Ben Stiller’s, but the poor thing had a really bad case of acne. Our fourth grade discussion of the sub went like this:

Classmate 1: I think the sub looks like Rob Lowe.

Classmate 2: I think he looks like a pepperoni pizza.

I had to agree with both of them. Pizza-face or not, he still became a heartthrob in our all-girls school. In any case, he taught us for half a term and then disappeared never to be seen again. That is, until we got to college. It turned out that Mr. Gillespie was doing his PhD in Music at the same university I was attending. The word soon got around that our old sub could be spotted at the Conservatory every Wednesday and Saturday. Another girl from my old school and I made a date to chance on a sighting one Wednesday and there he was. He was cuter in his 30s than he had been in his 20s, mainly because he didn’t have the ’80s hair and his skin had already cleared. How did he get rid of all those zits? Skin laser treatment? I’ll never know. At any rate, I now rest my case about good skin as well.

In reality, the only case I really presented in this article is about me being a boy-crazy twit in my youth.

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