Somebody Get Me a Life Coach, Stat
I remember that “Friends “episode where, after an exercise in bad judgment (going to London to tell Ross she loved him and then agreeing to accompany him on his honeymoon, whereupon she was ditched), Rachel tried to get Phoebe to make all her decisions for her. Phoebe didn’t want to do it, but Type A Monica stepped up and volunteered to do it.
Sometimes I feel like Rachel. I want somebody else to make my decisions for me because I make so many bad ones. To date, I’m racked by doubt on whether I made the right call on some very important life choices. Like, should I have quit my cushy teaching job to become a stay-at-home mom? Should I have ignored my gut and defied the pediatrician regarding that hep-lock, and then the MMR vaccine? Should I have pursued that relationship in college?
When I was younger, I was so much fiercer. I was actually quite pugnacious. It was easy to be so since I was clueless with all the ignorance of youth. I lacked empathy and I was definitely sorely wanting in wisdom. I also had a lot going for me, so that supported my arrogance. I felt special and indestructible, and I was quite obnoxious about it.
These days, you’ll positively gape at the contrast. My self-confidence has definitely taken a hit. I feel that I suck at making choices, and now, not only I but also my kids suffer for it. I doubt everything. You can even tell by the way I order at the restaurant. Before, I could be quick and decisive; now, I hem and haw, unable to make up my mind. Sometimes I send my husband out to buy soda and when he asks me what I want, I just stare at him with a deer-in-the-headlights look. Last night, he sent me a clip from “The Notebook” where Ryan Gosling keeps on asking Rachel McAdams what she wants over and over again, and she won’t say, replying that it’s not that simple. My husband added the caption “What we sound like when you send me out to get soda.”
Despite feeling pathetic about my significantly lower self-esteem, however, I do feel that I’m a much nicer person because of it. I’m not so intolerant and prejudiced in my old age. I suppose the key is in finding the middle ground. I’ve never been good at balance, tending to veer from one extreme to the other. For my sake and that of my children, I’m considering going to the Transformations Institute for help. Hopefully, I’ll get some of my old gumption back.