Things I Ought to Pay My Husband to Do — Or a Different Professional Altogether

I married a guy with many talents and interests. Back in college, I started stalking him because of his chin dimple. This was in character; I’ve stalked many a dude for far shallower triggers. One time, I developed a raging obsession for a guy just because he sang “Lightning Crashes” in class. This one looked nothing like the type I went for and he wore baggy hip-hop pants besides. It remains one of the most perplexing episodes of my life.

In any case, my husband was an easy mark, so we were dating in a month’s time. He was definitely my type. He was studying percussion, had a ponytail, and was really pretty. I loved me a pretty boy. Still do. Sometimes when I’m reading a romance and the hero is described as “not exactly handsome,” I would ditch the book and move on to the next novel on my list.

I’ve long acknowledged that I’m pretty superficial, so I can only credit dumb luck that my husband turned out to be a decent guy. If I say so myself, he’s far better than decent. He’s not perfect, of course. I have a list here somewhere of his faults, like he’s chronically and pathologically late, his hearing shuts down when he’s focusing on something, and he’s the poster boy for spoonerism (okay, this one, I actually find adorable). Nevertheless, all his good bits outweigh the negatives. One of his positive traits is that he’s really good at so many things, and when an activity interests him, he really spends time to master the craft. Because of this, our family has our very own music teacher, photographer, tech geek, etc.

Being married to this jack of many trades, I thought I’d sail through life with a lot of freebies. When it comes to family stuff, I suppose we do get to save some money. For instance, we’ve never had to hire a pro photographer for our Christmas family picture card or for my pregnancy portraits. However, I have some freebie expectations that just won’t happen. It mostly has to do with his priorities. Since I’m not paying him, my freebies end up at the bottom of the last page of his book of things to do. It finally occurred to me this year that if I want to get the following done, I have to pay my husband or go to another professional.

· Teach me how to drive — For the past score, I would bring up enrolling at driving school and he would always insist that he would teach me himself. We’ve attempted lessons at least four times, and it just never worked. Recently, it also had to do with time — his full schedule in particular.

· Teach me how to play the guitar — After that one attempt to teach me, I still only know how to play the chorus of “Push.” This dates that one lesson, which ended in me not talking to him for several hours. In any case, after almost 20 years, it’s time to finally learn. I’m either going to a guitar teacher or knuckling down in front of YouTube.

· Take my classic Hollywood glamour shots — This is so low on his list of priorities — and even mine, but I’ve kind of cottoned to the idea after I did an article on which old Hollywood actresses to channel for this type of portraits. I still want to lose about 20 pounds anyway, so this remains in the back burner.

· Develop my website — It doesn’t make sense that my blogs’ designs are crappy when I have a Web dev pro for a husband. He has been offering to fix them for me, but I know how busy he is, so I’ve resigned myself to him never finding the time to do it. I’ll probably go to Peak Online for my website needs.

It’s time to give up the dream of claiming these freebies. The important thing is that I still get to see my husband’s chin dimple every day — that is, until he shaves off his dumb hipster beard.

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