Why They Didn’t Tell You About Their Faith Crisis
I’ve heard from dozens of people who’ve been through a faith crisis who are frustrated with the accusation that they didn’t tell a spouse, a parent, a child, or a church leader about it while they were in the midst of it. Why do they wait for a year or more to tell those who are closest to them — or those who imagine they would have been able to help, if only they’d been early enough to intervene, before the canker had gone too deep? And this makes me alternately sigh and want to scream bloody murder. But I’m going to try to explain some of the reasons that they didn’t tell you that possibly will help you understand.
1. Because they thought it was trivial at first. At first it was just a handful of questions. They were investigating them just fine on their own, like any faithful member would. Reading a book or some scriptures or looking up a talk or two online. No need to bring it up when clearly it hadn’t bothered anyone else.
2. Because they didn’t have the vocabulary to name it by. By the time they knew what to even call what was going on, they were ashamed to admit it. This is one of the things that churches teach their members, to be ashamed of questions and doubts. They may pretend that questions are welcomed and that doubts aren’t bad, but churches often point to people who have left and talk about their doubts, or they ask members not to talk about doubts in classrooms or they simply haven’t gone to the work of normalizing it by making it part of public discussions where vulnerability (instead of stories of perfection) are encouraged. So people hide their doubts, and then they don’t know where to go.
3. Because they thought it was their fault and they needed to fix themselves. This is the result of shaming questions and doubts. People who have them think that the solution is to double down, read more scriptures, study more things online, pray more, fast more, just try harder. It must be their fault, because everyone else makes sense of it, right? Admitting that they’re struggling is tantamount to admitting publicly that they’ve sinned or proven themselves lesser than. No one wants to do that.
4. Because they didn’t want you to interpret their faith crisis as a criticism of you. I’ve seen this in particular with women who go through a faith crisis in patriarchal religions. They are concerned that their husbands will see all their criticisms of patriarchy as personal criticisms of them personally. Divorce is a possibility after a faith crisis. I’ve seen it a lot. But it isn’t a necessity. And it shouldn’t be about rancor or about assigning blame for problems with a faith that was once shared.
5. Because they saw how others in faith crisis were treated. From shunning (institutional or simply social) to outright excommunication, it can often seem like the better choice is just to stay quiet, don’t rock the boat. Some people hope that they’ll eventually find their faith again. Others have no hope of that, but only that they can stay in the community. Some do it for years. Maybe some do it forever, but I admit, I’ve never met those. The ones I meet tried to keep quiet and eventually felt such existential angst and disconnect that they had to come clean. And it seems like they were hiding the truth for years, even decades, that they were deceiving everyone. From one angle, this is true. From another angle, they were just trying not to bother anyone.
6. Because you weren’t a safe space. You may be hurt to consider this, but it’s likely that your loved one believed that you wouldn’t accept their new worldview. They imagined that you’d think less of them, or worse — that you might judge them, preach to them, or even cut them out of your life in small ways or big ones. Your loved one loved you so much they couldn’t bear this idea. Is there a lack of trust here? Yes, I suppose. But it’s scary admitting to something another person might see as wrong or shameful, even if you don’t yourself. And if you hadn’t clearly marked yourself with actions to others close to you that you would be accepting of whatever changes came, then be willing to look at yourself as part of the problem.
7. Because they didn’t want other people to have to deal with their problems. It’s their faith crisis, not anyone else’s. It can feel like that means that you should keep it to yourself because you don’t want to be accused of leading other people away from “the truth.” But on a more practical level, it may just feel like you don’t want to dump all your problems on someone else when you don’t think they can solve them.
8. Because they didn’t want to wreck the family, whether nuclear or extended. For many of those I know within Mormonism, there is a sense of a family legacy. Their ancestors went back to the pioneers and they can’t imagine breaking the hearts of parents and grandparents by saying they don’t believe anymore. That means they can’t tell anyone. And even if they don’t have deep family roots, they may feel that their children are well-served by the institution of the church, at least in younger years, or that speaking up about a faith crisis constitutes breaking the marriage covenant, and they aren’t prepared to lose everything in their lives all at once.
9. Because they’re afraid of not being heard. Let me tell you honestly that it is very difficult to listen to people in faith crisis. They are angry, upset, and can sound irrational to you because they’re emotional. They’ve lost their footing and it may look like they’re throwing everything they once treasured away. If you stick with them through the worst of it, they will usually regain some sense of self and values. But using old words to try to talk about a very new experience can be difficult to the point of triggering. And if you truly want them to talk, you’re going to have to practice some serious skills. Do not be defensive. Do not make accusations. Just express love.
10. Because they think you will accuse them of trying to cover up sinful actions by pointing the finger at the institution rather than at themselves. This can be very complicated, because no one is without sin. Extricating real mistakes from the idea of a faith crisis is almost impossible, but I have no doubt that your family member is afraid you’re going to tell them they just need to repent and everything will be solved.
11. Because they didn’t want to be pressured to come to conclusions that were not their own.
12. Because they aren’t used to talking about uncomfortable things.
I hope this is helpful to those on the other side. I’m truly not trying to hurt anyone. I’ve been through a faith crisis, and it’s no fun. It’s confusing and disorienting and often it feels like there are no words. So if you think that finding out a little late (even a couple of years late) is proof of lying or intent to deceive, I think that’s really unfair. Try to be calm and just plain loving. Things may work out better than you think.
