I am : a Worshipper… kind of….

I love doing worship at my church. I love our pastors. I love our community. There has been one word has been used over and over again to describe the way I worship: energy. Of course I love dancing and jumping to the fast songs, and I love just soaking in the slower ones. I love the catchy choruses, and the bridges that swell until you can barely stand anymore because what they declare is just so good. I am always humbled when someone approaches me and says how worshipping with me has impacted them or that one day they will jump the way they I do. Here’s the honest truth about my relationship to ‘worship’ as we have come to know it in the contemporary church….. It is hard for me to say, and even harder for me to hear… WORSHIP CAN BRING OUT THE WORST IN ME.

Here’s what I mean by that. Even though I absolutely love worshipping God, I am human just like anyone else. I have insecurities and have a need to feel like I am seen by those I look up to. There are times when thoughts creep in that say, “What’s the point? You can’t even hear us anyway”… “When am I ever going to be given the chance to lead? I know I have it in me!”…. “Is the only reason I am here because I jump?” All of these thoughts have gone through my head at the same time I sing of how good God is. I can help but wonder how God can use me in that moment when the worship that I offer is so wrapped up in wrong motives? The Answer is simple. Jesus.

I think we can romanticize certain aspects of the Christian walk. We look at a worship leader and long to praise with the same purity of spirit as they do. Every fiber seems to be pointed to Jesus. Is this realistic? If we are honest with ourselves, the answer is no. So then what is worship? Worship is what happens when our human-ness meets the goodness Jesus. What do I mean by that? We have to be able to be honest with ourselves about where we are at.When we are able to be honest to ourselves about that, Jesus can remind us of who he is. The problem is that we have been so conditioned in what the right “Christian” answer is that honesty is many layers deep. I might have a selfish thought in worship, and then I get on myself for being insecure in the first place. “The more humble you are the better the chances that you will lead worship! Why are you so worried about leading?! You are supposed to feel honored to be doing exactly what you are doing right now! BE GRATEFUL!” It seems silly but this fight can play out over and over. Here’s the thing. God can’t meet you where you think you should be, and he can’t meet you where you will be in the future. He promises to meet you where you are at. Right at this very moment. Sometimes that place is filled with just an overflow of love for him. Other times it is a dry place. God meets us in both of those places. The love of God is never a moving target. It isn’t something that we have to attain. We are the ones who move, and the faithfulness of God is what assures that his love follows us wherever we go…. So good…

So what does this mean for worship? Am I a hypocrite if every week I look like I am just going for it and maybe I am actually in a very negative spot? I guess I go for it every week because the reality is that God has been good to me. Even if I refuse to see it at times. He is good to the very best of me, and the worst. That is what makes me a worshipper… kind of.