I Got Handcuffed and Sat on a Curb Because I Looked Like Another Black Guy and Other Things I Can’t Control
“I learned that I am a man tangled in invisible shackles latched around my body just as tight as the handcuffs I still feel on my wrists”
When I was 5 years old my teacher told me I could be anything I set my dreams on
What she should have told me was
I can be anything that this white world fiends on
Since my melanin doesn’t unlock the key to the emerald city unless it’s used by whiteness overarching hand
I learned that I am a man tangled in invisible shackles latched around my body just as tight as the handcuffs I still feel on my wrists
When I was 8 years old I wanted to be an astronaut and my teacher told me I shouldn’t shoot that high
So I settled with being an angry black
Stuck in survival mode with a paper mache smile plastered on my face so they don’t see my scowl
“Keep your cool” a line used by my grandma every time I got mad at unfairness
My grandma every time I get mad at injustice
My grandma when I told her I was handcuffed because she’s not allowed to be mad
We’re not allowed to be mad
When I was 12 years old someone called me a nigger for the first time.
“Man that nigger sure is quick.”
I had to ask what he meant by that rather then jumping on his ass, stomping on his face and getting my reparations in a two piece no chicken needed kind of variety
And, as usual I was painted with whitenesses approval
That was when the Oreo comments started trickling in
“Man, you ain’t really black, you ain’t really kin.”
My hue a little too blue due to the fact I was getting beat up by the white and black kids
I didn’t fit in anywhere.
When I was 16 years old I started getting radical
Jimi Hendrix was too “white washed” for Oklahoma so my character couldn’t win and I finally got mad.
I finally got tired.
I finally felt nothing.
I wanted to feel something.
So I cut myself so I didn’t cut anyone else.
I drank myself into frenzies so I could blame the liquor for finally showing feeling.
I smoked so I didn’t have to make sense of nothing.
I tried to kill my self so I didn’t have to pretend the world loved me.
Hopeless in the city full of people who only saw me as
A Oreo
A thug
A sell out
A sissy
A faggot
Not me
All I wanted was to have control.
All I had was wants.
When I was handcuffed sitting on the curb because I looked like another black guy
I was 16 years old
And all I wanted was control
