Blood Doesn’t Make You Family
Following a bit of an intellectual trend from my last article about how the nature of relationships has changed in the Information Era, I’d like to address the notion of what a family is and why being related by “blood” (more accurately DNA) is unrelated to what family essentially means.
There’s little to debate on in regard to what people often mean when they say family- it’s virtually always used in relation to, well, relatives- and sometimes particularly close personal and family friends. Of course, it does make sense; your family are the intrinsic people of your life without whom you may well have grown to be a very different kind of person. It would only be natural that those you’ve grown up with be the majority of that group.
But, that’s where one runs into what is more of a convenient correlation than something that is “set in stone.” Growing up with those you’re related to is merely an extremely common occurrence. The majority of people have grown up with either one or both parents, and often with any other children had between them- perhaps even those from other relationships.
The frequency with which this occurs means that your relatives will often be the ones you consider family, but not because of any genetic link; rather, it’s simply more common that you grow up with relatives as a prominent part of your life. Grow up with a parent having left or died before you were self aware and this can change significantly. Children only begin longing for that lost father or mother once they’ve had time to reflect on why most children have both and they do not. (for the sake of linearity, I’m leaving out same-sex parents as a factor here)
Also consider children raised by adoptive families. Though they may eventually seek to meet their biological parents, it’s unlikely that the decades spent with their functional parents will be undone. Parent and child may experience a sense of closure upon meeting as adults, but the blood relation doesn’t override the actual life experiences that the child has had.
Similarly, step children and parents, as well as those who are half related, often don’t experience much dissonance between each other on the subject of their being less or unrelated- with the exception being if the children met after they had already been alive for a number of years; this is understandable if you consider that you’re essentially expected to take in a stranger as your family, which would be an odd thing regardless of whether they’re related to you or not. It goes against the way relationships are built- gradually -by instantly constructing a new, deep social relationship between people who don’t know each other.
Further, there are children who are mostly raised by their aunts and uncles, or grandparents, or even elder siblings. And while the disparity between functional and blood relationship may be brought up during arguments, the functionality of these living arrangements is generally more closely linked to the surrogate guardian’s parenting capability than any genetic relationship.
Without giving every possible living and family situation, it is easy to see the correlation between who you grow up with and who you consider family. This is also why friends from an early age essentially consider each other as much of family as those they’re physically related to- often the parents of said friends see things much the same way. This “extended family” is simply the formula in action.
What of the inherent bond between parent and child, then? Is there one? When I first started talking to a half brother that I’d hardly met before, it was a bit surreal- after all, I’d grown up largely void of a sense of family. Yet, he looked similar to me, and even had some correlating mannerisms and sense of humor. However, I consider the bond that I’ve built and am building with him to be largely on a personal basis. For me he is more a brother in the sense of what we share in common and who he is as a person than the (half) blood relation. To me, the personal relationship is the only kind that really counts.
Of course, everyone has their own sense of what a family is in terms of their experiences, so what seems perfectly logical to me may well seem ridiculous to someone else. Yet, I would insist that this is just more proof for the case of family as personal relationship rather than genetic bond. The fact that people can construct their various social boundaries along their own fault lines so to speak is a testament to the flexible nature of personal bonds.
Ultimately, all of our social structures- from family to authority figures to what is appropriate in public and so on -are determined by our society and, at least internally, by ourselves. They only seem so concrete because these standards and perspectives are maintained. This is proven in how people from different cultures will have different overall views on what a family is, how it should be maintained, what the hierarchy is, etc.
The good news about this is that, once you understand that you decide who your family is and that you don’t need to maintain the standard societal structure, the double standards disappear. If your cousins have always been terrible people and you’ve never felt any bond with them, you’re no longer bound by some secret, invisible chain to take care of and look out for them.
Of course, other people may not feel this way. In fact, those who decide to redefine their familial boundaries often experience harsh criticism and push back from those in their lives with more traditional views. As would be expected, this is mostly significantly the case with their genetic relatives.
However, once you realize that you are free to determine what connections you have with who, your only need to conform to others’ expectations is for practical considerations. Teenagers and those who live with their parents are the most restricted in this regard. Once you’re independent, though, it’s really up to you how much to inconvenience yourself in the name of pleasing others.
Assuming you’re prepared and practically able to reshape these personal boundaries, it gives you a great sense of empowerment and independence. Abusive relatives no longer have the “right” to act however they want towards you because now their relationship with you is just as subject to being terminated as with anyone else. Defeating this sense of self-entitlement can, for some, be incredibly liberating.
It’s ironic that the very same saying most have associated with the “blood is family” mentality- that being “blood is thicker than water” is actually an out of context snippet of the original saying, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” You decide who your family is, and while you may decide to redefine a relationship with someone who is physically your parent as a friend, you can also give someone who has been there for you time and again the well-deserved title that so many others arbitrarily hold simply because they happened to be a member of the same genetic tree as you. Honor and cherish those who have proven themselves worth it; you won’t find many.
Tomorrow Today
