Hi Justin,
Thank you for bravely admitting that you don’t understand why the comment wasn’t harmless. That took guts. I wish more men would speak up when they don’t understand. In a fraternity- type environment made up of similar individuals who have come together for socializing, a wisecrack that is at the same time dominant (“move over”, “I need”), egotistical (I have something others want to have) and overtly sexual (let me tell you about my penis) could be seen as meaningless, typical or funny.
In a work environment the group is likely to be, or should be if there hasn’t been blatant discrimination along the way, made up of a diverse group of people. There may be straight men who have been raped, women of all types, gay men, asexual people, religious men who don’t appreciate sex talk, men who are feminists, serious men who don’t make or laugh at sex jokes, older men who think he just made himself look like an ass, and basically all kinds of people male and female who don’t appreciate a comment that is at the same time aggressive, show-offy and sexually explicit. A real-life diverse environment puts the people who would find that joke funny in the minority.
However, in a professional environment, anyone who laughs at the boss’s jokes is more likely to be favored by the boss, especially such an egotistical one as this. So people who don’t find it particularly funny will laugh with him to be seen as part of the crowd, even follow the boss’s lead in the vein he started, in order to appear supportive.
The boss sets the tone for the office and all social gatherings. In fact multiple studies have been done that prove groups of people will back their boss on completely incorrect answers to math problems rather than stand by the correct answer, simply because of social capital.
In the old days, a woman might be expected to chime in to keep up, rather than have hurt feelings. She could either say something suggesting he doesn’t need more than a few inches in that case (your dick is small), or we better go to a different bar there’s not enough room for him and his dick here (your dick is big). Ha ha, now she’s part of the crowd.
But finally now, people are realizing that work environment aren’t fraternities. They are places that have to be productive and successful work environments for all types of people. A woman who wants to joke with men about penis size is rare. With a little perspective and life experience, even young men who have been socialized in a sexist environment can realize that aggressive sexual comments at work are tremendously unprofessional. What is funny in a group of a few friends simply isn’t funny anymore in a work setting with a diverse audience, and not just because women may be present.
In the future, men like this project manager will realize that the person their comments hurt the most is themselves. Far from being “harmless”, comments like this will eventually be properly understood to be a signal that the speaker has limited understanding of perspectives other than his own, which is a tremendous business liability, especially in a profession where people are making things for others to use. That’s not a managerial trait.
Thanks again for asking for help when you needed it. Kudos. It shows you have balls. (jk!)
