To Keep Swimming

There are some things that I cannot understand. Sometimes a math problem will stump me. Sometimes I’ll encounter a problem on a test that I won’t know how to answer. However, there has never been anything more confusing to me than my mind and emotions.

Sometimes I’ll be okay and my life seems 100% amazing. I have great parents, the best brother in the world, and some pretty cool friends that are there for me. I am blessed to live such a fortunate life.

So why am I not always happy? Why do I feel anxious so often? Why does my chest tighten up to make me feel like I am suffocating? Where are these tears coming from? I am utterly lost. Who do I talk to? Where do I go? What should I do? Please help.

I feel like I’m stranded on an island. I have no idea what to do. I feel alone.

Sometimes a raft comes to the island to help me, but I somehow always end up drowning in the ocean…

The only way to save myself is by swimming back to the island.

I’m stranded, then rescued, then left behind.

Each time I fall from the raft, I have to keep pushing myself to swim back to the island, to stay above the surface of the water so I am not engulfed by the waves.

This is a tiring process. I am exhausted.

One day, I won’t want to swim anymore. It won’t seem worth it. Why would I want to swim back to the island to save myself when I will only continue to suffer more? Over and over again.

I have reasons for continuing to swim. I swim for my family, friends, and dreams. I know I have to keep trying. While these are the things pushing me to keep swimming, they are also weights dragging me down. It’s like holding a double-edged sword.

Every time I am thrown into the water, I feel like I lose a piece of myself. My energy is disappearing. My heart is hurting. My smile is fading.

Maybe one day, a stronger raft will come for me. Or maybe I’ll find my own successful way off the island. Or maybe I’ll just stop.

But for now…

I’m tired, but still swimming. I’m trying.

Please know that I’m trying.