222 S. 4th St

My sister and I were locked out of our “home”. Our clothes were kept in big black bags on the side of the house. That’s where my sister and I sat while we waited for our Abuelita to come back from running her errands. I remember how I felt at that time. I felt alone, rejected, worthless, abandoned. I can only imagine how my sister felt. She was only 8. She rested her head on my shoulder and eventually we both fell asleep. Waking up to the hum of an plane gave me hope. For just a second I forgot we were locked out of the house and sleeping outside. I felt like someone was watching over us and that our situation at the time was only temporary.

We were living in a two bedroom house with our Abuelita and our cousins. My older brother who was in his early twenties would come and go. He never really stayed long. My cousins were in their early teens and they shared a bedroom. The other was for my grandma or my brother. We weren’t allowed to sleep in either or. We slept in the living room, on the floor.

My grandma at the time I’m sure was an alcoholic and my brother was a drug addict. I don’t remember much about living at that house. There is a couple things I do remember, but they are very vague…

One night my grandma had some friends over for a drink. I remember going to bed on the floor in the living room. I woke up to a man’s hand in my pants. He was trying to caress my butt. I remember running to my Abuelita’s bedroom and telling her what was going on. I don’t remember if I cried, or what I felt at that time. I just knew it was wrong. I woke my sister up and we got to sleep on the floor of her bedroom that night. I never saw that man at our house again.

I block a lot of my childhood out for various reasons. I think mostly just so that I don’t have to feel what I did then, again. I am getting to my late 20’s and I have come to realize that I am what my past has formed me to be. I have allowed that to define me and how I handle situations, how I view relationships, and how I view life in general. I am ready to let go and I am ready to feel the hope that the hum of that plane gave me that day. I want to live a happy, fulfilling life. I am ready to start the healing process.